Seinfeld Reference – Page 12 – A website about nothing

The Pilot

The Pilot, Part 1

Jerry and George get the green light to produce Jerry, the pilot for the series based on their “nothing” lives. Russell Dalrymple, the president at NBC behind the pilot, is obsessed with Elaine. George is obsessed with a potentially cancerous white spot on his lip and a box of raisins taken by an actor playing Kramer, played by Larry Hankin (who had actually auditioned for the role of Kramer when Seinfeld began production). The real Kramer has intestinal problems and, on his way to find a bathroom, he gets delayed by being mugged and “misses his chance” to resolve the problem, resulting in constipation. Jerry has an audition with the new “Elaine” (played by Elena Wohl), a method actress interested in being Elaine in every way. The real Elaine has a problem with Monk’s coffee shop, as they appear to be only hiring buxom waitresses, so she tries to get hired and files a report.

The Pilot, Part 2

Rehearsals for the pilot begin. NBC executive Russell Dalrymple’s obsession with Elaine begins to affect his work; she tries to let him down easy by saying she can’t be in a relationship with a high-powered man and would prefer to be with someone selfless, such as a member of Greenpeace. Kramer resolves his constipation by administering himself an enema. George mistakenly thinks that his white spot has been diagnosed as cancer and goes on a tirade at NBC, only to discover that he misunderstood the diagnosis. At the taping of the pilot, “Crazy” Joe Davola jumps out of the audience and onto the set while yelling “Sic semper tyrannis;” he’s removed and the taping goes well. The pilot airs, and numerous characters from past episodes comment on its accuracy. In order to prove himself worthy of Elaine, Russell joins Greenpeace and is lost at sea during a botched assault on a whaling ship. His replacement at NBC dislikes the show and cancels it. In the end, George, Jerry, Kramer, and Elaine convalesce at Monk’s, where Elaine finally calls out the owner of the cafe for only hiring large breasted women; the owner explains that they are all his daughters, and everything goes back to normal. The last scene is Russell trying to be saved by his ship mates. He presumably drowns and dies. The cover for the Jerry Pilot script floats away at sea, along with the former NBC president.

The Handicap Spot

The group travels to a mall in Lynbrook to buy a big-screen television as an engagement gift for their friend, “The Drake” (Rick Overton). George, who has borrowed his father’s treasured car (a 1978-1980 model Mercury Monarch), parks in a handicapped parking space. The four assume they will only be a few minutes. However, they are mistaken and are in the store for much longer. When they return, they find an angry mob starting to trash the vehicle because a disabled woman, who had to park in a distant spot because of their illegal parking, has been injured in a wheelchair accident. After sneaking away for a time, they return to find the car completely demolished.

George invents a preposterous story about being cut off in traffic to explain the accident. While visiting Lola (Donna Evans Merlo), the injured handicapped woman, at the hospital, Kramer falls in love and feels compelled to replace her wheelchair. George and Kramer go on to buy a used wheelchair which is much cheaper than a brand-new one. Jerry and Elaine go to have lunch with The Drake after missing his party and discover that he and his fiancée have broken off their engagement.

George’s father Frank Costanza receives an award for outstanding service in helping the handicapped. In the middle of receiving the award, he is arrested for George’s parking in the handicap spot, as Frank is the registered owner of the vehicle. As a result of the accusation, Frank’s award is taken away from him. Amusingly, George’s father forces him to become his butler as punishment, which was initially an idea for the pilot episode that George is writing with Jerry.

Lola breaks up with Kramer (telling him he’s “not good looking enough for her” and to “drop dead”) and is later seen screaming and rolling down a hill in her wheelchair, which she cannot stop due to faulty brakes. George’s first job as his father’s butler is to retrieve the widescreen TV at The Drake’s house, so that it can be donated to charity. George and Kramer retrieve the TV from the ex-fiancée’s apartment, then reunite with Jerry and Elaine to return it for a refund. In the final scene, the gang is once again looking for a parking space at the mall, and Kramer tries to talk George into parking next to a fire hydrant, using near-identical rationales as he had at the handicapped spot.

The Smelly Car

After dinner, Jerry and Elaine discover a strong smell of body odor, assumed to have been left by a valet who was tasked with parking Jerry’s BMW 5 Series. After a relentless drive home, Elaine’s boyfriend Carl (Nick Bakay) is troubled by the odor coming from Elaine, who then assumes trouble for their relationship. George cannot believe it when he spots his ex-girlfriend, Susan, as a lesbian, and he is turned on by her new outlook on life. Elaine loses her current boyfriend because the odor from the car got stuck in her hair, and he could not stand to be near her. Jerry immediately blames the restaurant he went to the other night, and although the maître d’ initially refuses to pay for car cleaning, he eventually agrees after Jerry had put him inside the car, refusing to let him out unless he pays for half of the price ($250).

Susan’s girlfriend Mona is swayed to heterosexuality by Kramer, which Jerry, Elaine and George cannot understand why, being that Susan’s girlfriend has never been with a man. This angers Susan, due to her dislike of Kramer, and George who is still convinced that he drove Susan to lesbianism. Feeling even more attracted to her after finding this out, George attempts to woo Susan, and appears to be making progress. However, despite his best efforts, the two are seen in the diner by George’s ex Allison – and after introducing them to one another, he can only sigh as the two women exchange amorous glances.

After a complete “de-ionizing” of the car, Jerry, anticipating that the smell is gone, smells it again, and he discovers it is not. Meanwhile, Elaine decides to go to a hair salon to “wash” the smell out of her hair, despite having already taken a thorough shower, and (believing that the smell has gone away) tries to start her relationship with Carl again. He, however, smells the car stench again and tells her that she still smells. Elaine, as well as Jerry, does not know what to do. Jerry then tries to sell the car because the odor has taken on a life of its own and permeated everything, but the dealer claims he cannot sell such a car. Kramer’s relationship with Mona ends when she smells the odor on him, even though he was never in the car. This is because he had borrowed Jerry’s jacket, which was the same one he was wearing in the car. When it cannot be sold, Jerry ends up abandoning the car and its keys out on the street just to get rid of it, even going so far as to offer ownership of the car to a vagrant. However, the vagrant ends up disgusted by the smell and even he rejects Jerry’s offer.

The Junior Mint

Having neglected to ask the name of the woman he is dating (played by Susan Walters), Jerry tries to solve the mystery. Given the clue that her name rhymes with a part of the female anatomy, Jerry and George come up with possible candidates: Aretha (for urethra), Celeste (for breast), and Bovary (for ovary). The payoff to the joke comes at the end of the episode when she presses him to say her name. Jerry guesses Mulva (for vulva), causing her to storm out of Jerry’s apartment. As she is leaving, Jerry incorrectly guesses another name, Gipple (for nipple). Then, in a flash of insight, Jerry runs to the window and yells “Dolores!” Her name is never explicitly revealed to the audience (being listed as “Mystery Woman” in the credits), but it is revealed to be “Dolores” when the character returns in season 8’s “The Foundation”.

Meanwhile, Elaine goes to visit her ex-boyfriend Roy (played by Sherman Howard), an artist whom she dumped because he was fat, in the hospital and, noticing that he has slimmed down (due to depression from her breaking up with him), becomes interested in dating him again. Kramer and Jerry observe the artist’s splenectomy and accidentally drop a Junior Mint from the viewing gallery into the patient’s body (in actuality, a Peppermint Pattie was used for filming this scene as a Junior Mint was too small for the camera[1]). When George hears that Roy is in bad condition (after he develops an infection), he decides to spend $1900 (which he collected in interest from a bank account from the sixth grade) to buy some of Roy’s art, thinking it will appreciate in value when Roy dies. Roy’s condition suddenly turns around and he recovers. Although Roy attributes the change to George buying his art, the doctor attributes the limited effect of the infection to “something from above.” (This marks the second time that George regrets his decision to purchase a piece of art. The first came in “The Letter”, when he bought a piece of art from Jerry’s girlfriend for $500.) The triangle art that George purchases in this episode can be seen on the shelves in his apartment in many subsequent episodes. As Kramer offers the doctor a Junior Mint, Elaine decides to cancel her date with Roy, whom she observes eating enthusiastically again in his hospital room after the surgery.

The Implant

Jerry dumps his girlfriend Sidra (played by Teri Hatcher) after Elaine says her figure is the result of breast implants. Kramer claims to have seen Salman Rushdie (played by Tony Amendola) at the health club, but is living under the pseudonym “Sal Bass”. By accident, Elaine later discovers the breasts are real when she trips and grabs them for balance.

George accompanies his current girlfriend (Megan Mullally) to Detroit for her aunt’s wake. While there, he tries to get a copy of her death certificate so he can get a 50% discount on the airfare. He argues at the funeral reception with his girlfriend’s brother Timmy (Kieran Mulroney) when accused of double-dipping a chip.

The Old Man

Jerry, Elaine and George volunteer to help the elderly. Jerry gets assigned to Sid Fields (Bill Erwin), a bad-tempered old man with a Senegalese housekeeper (Lanei Chapman), that he claims is trying to steal his possessions. Elaine is repulsed by the goiter problems of the woman she is visiting and George depresses his assigned senior citizen, Ben Cantwell, by questioning his outlook on dying, until he walks out, telling George that “Life’s too short to waste on you”. Later, George becomes attracted to Mr. Field’s housekeeper when he learns that she can’t speak English.

Kramer and Newman try the business of selling some of Jerry’s old records to a used record store but are not satisfied with the results. The man Jerry is responsible for tells him that he wants to get rid of some of his “junk”, including a large amount of old records which Kramer and Newman show up later to pick up. The man bites Kramer’s arm, causing him to jerk back and launch his dentures in to the garbage disposal. Jerry loses track of his man when they try to take him to the dentist to repair his dentures which were promptly destroyed after the garbage disposal was turned on, mistaken for a light switch.

Meanwhile, Elaine discovers that her old woman had an affair with Gandhi, and one of the stories she tells directly mirrors what George had said to the housekeeper about him “dipping my bald head in oil and rubbing it all over your body”.

The search for Jerry’s old man leads to everyone (including the old man’s son) bursting in on George having oil rubbed on his head by the housekeeper.

The episode ends with the two old men, in the diner, in the same booth the main characters use, having much the same conversation Jerry and George had at the beginning of the episode, during which Fields tells Cantwell about the woman he was recently “fixed up” with – mentioning both her goiter and her youthful relationship with Gandhi.

The Outing

While at Monk’s Cafe, Elaine notices a woman in a nearby booth eavesdropping, and as a prank speaks to Jerry and George as if they were a closeted gay couple. The eavesdropping woman turns out to be Sharon (Paula Marshall), a New York University reporter who is planning on interviewing Jerry. Later, Sharon visits Jerry’s apartment to conduct the interview. His and George’s conversation during the interview solidifies her misconception that they are gay. Eventually, they recognize her from the coffee shop, and strenuously deny that they are gay, conditioning their denials with “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

Throughout the episode Jerry and George, and most of the other characters, fear being seen as homosexual, yet also feel guilty and afraid they will be perceived as homophobic.

The interview with Jerry is published in the school newspaper, and subsequently gets picked up by the Associated Press. Jerry ends up dating the college reporter, largely in an attempt to convince her he is heterosexual, but all does not go well. In his typical cowardly fashion, George decides to use his (fake) orientation as an excuse to break up with his girlfriend, Allison (Kari Coleman). George tries to act gay with Jerry in front of Allison to prove that they’re homosexuals, but when Jerry doesn’t follow along, George’s ruse doesn’t convince her. However, the reporter saw George’s attempt to act gay and believes that Jerry and George lied to her, that they are actually gay, and that they used her to hide the fact that they are lovers.

The episode ends with Kramer receiving a visit from an attractive young man, causing George and Jerry to briefly wonder what’s going on, only to have Kramer explain “He’s the phone man…. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

The Shoes

Jerry and George struggle to keep NBC still interested in their show. Elaine is coming down with the flu and also is wearing a pair of shoes from Botticelli. Gail Cunningham (Anita Barone; whom Jerry was never allowed to kiss, was earlier snubbed and is later to be kissed by Kramer) comes into Monk’s and admires Elaine’s shoes. Later, Elaine becomes paranoid and goes to confront Gail at her restaurant kitchen, where Elaine sneezes on a plate of Pasta Primavera which is then unwittingly served to Russell Dalrymple. After Jerry and George finish writing their script they give it to Russell. Just as they try to present the script to Russell he becomes violently ill with the stomach flu and is unable to evaluate the script. Then Russell’s daughter enters the picture and George stares at his 15-year-old daughter’s (played by Denise Richards who was 22 at the time) cleavage. Russell catches George and angrily sends them off without any input.

Having finished their script for the pilot, Jerry and George reflect upon the fact that they did not give Elaine any lines, commenting that they can’t “write for a woman.” This references the fact that Elaine does not appear in the pilot episode of Seinfeld.

Later, at Jerry’s apartment, George and Jerry discuss how they got into trouble and what to do to get the script approved. Elaine is also present. Jerry mentions how Russell probably would have stared at cleavage if he were in that situation and if “Elaine came by with a low-cut dress, he’d do the same thing.”

Jerry and George devise an elaborate plan to meet Russell at Gail’s restaurant, on the condition of giving to Gail Elaine’s ‘Botticelli’ shoes. Once there, they approach Russell to talk, and Elaine shows up in a low-cut dress. The show ends with Jerry, George, and Elaine eating, and Elaine convincing Jerry and George to write her into the ‘Jerry’ scripts.

The Visa

George meets Cheryl (Maggie Han), a Chinese woman who is a lawyer, and who thinks he is very funny. When he tells Jerry and Elaine, they enthusiastically plan a double date, much to George’s dismay, as he imagines himself upstaged by Jerry and losing her to him. At the date, which is in a restaurant, it comes out in conversation that the woman’s cousin is Ping, the Chinese food delivery boy whom Elaine had injured in The Virgin. He is suing Elaine, and the woman is the lawyer who is handling the case. She tells them she will try to get him to drop the case and goes to make a phone call. While she is away, a distraught George extracts a promise from Jerry that he will try very hard not to be funny around her, though Jerry protests that this will be very difficult. Jerry’s overdone attempts to do this when the lawyer returns give her the impression that he is a dark and disturbed persona which attracts her even more.

At Jerry’s apartment, Kramer returns early from baseball fantasy camp, where he accidentally punched Mickey Mantle. Elaine sees the lawyer with George and thanks her for persuading Ping to drop the case. She replies that she decided to do that because they all seemed like such nice people. As Elaine is giving Jerry the mail that she has been holding for him while he was out of town, there is a commotion at the apartment of Babu Bhatt, the Pakistani whom Jerry tried to help in The Cafe. More recently, Jerry had helped him get a job and the apartment down the hall. But now it seems that Babu is being hauled off by the INS. He sees Jerry and pleads with him to help, which Jerry promises to do. Later, to their horror, Jerry and Elaine discover the Visa renewal form Babu was supposed to fill out in Jerry’s belated mail; it had been delivered to Jerry’s address by mistake. They go to the Jail where Babu is being held and he is delighted to see them until they tell him what happened. At that point he becomes angry at them and calls Jerry “A very very bad man!”. Jerry once again promises to straighten things out by enlisting the help of a person that George’s lawyer friend knows in the INS.

The lawyer has lunch with Jerry, where he continues his morose facade. When she sees George, she confesses that she is attracted to Jerry’s dark disturbed personality. George, realizing that his scheme has backfired, vehemently denies that he is that way, insisting that he is actually very funny. When she disagrees, citing his demeanor, George unwittingly admits that it was all an act to keep Jerry from stealing her away from him. In a pathetic attempt to win her over, he proclaims he is the demented one for putting Jerry up to his act and therefore she should be more attracted to him. Stunned at this revelation, she gets up to leave. When George asks her if he can call her, she replies “Please don’t.”

At Jerry’s apartment, Elaine sees Ping and thanks him for dropping the case. He sneers and tells her that the case is back on and the damages will be doubled because they have all made his cousin (the lawyer) really mad because of the scheme that the gang took part in to mislead her. Babu’s brother enters, who tells them that he has been deported. They can’t figure out why the friend didn’t straighten things out until George shows up and explains what had happened with the lawyer the previous night.

In the closing scene, Babu (in Pakistan) swears eternal vengeance against Jerry whom he calls a “very very bad man.”

The Movie

Jerry schedules two stand-up acts in the same night and afterwards goes to the movie theater to meet everyone. George gets in the wrong line for tickets, and soon goes with Elaine and Kramer to another theater to see the movie Checkmate. Kramer waits outside for Jerry but also wants a Papaya King hot dog. Jerry misses his first show and discovers his spot was taken by an annoying comedian, who then accompanies Jerry back to the theater to tell George, Elaine, and Kramer that he won’t be able to see the movie with them, but discovers they aren’t there. Meanwhile, Elaine struggles to save seats for everyone, and George runs afoul with an usher. Jerry then misses his second show after being delayed by his taxi driver.

Through a comedy of errors, everyone (but Kramer) misses the movie they were originally going to see and end up in “Rochelle, Rochelle”.