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The Pick

Elaine is humiliated when her Christmas card photo taken by Kramer accidentally exposes her nipple. Jerry has a date with Tia Van Camp (Jennifer Campbell), the Calvin Klein model he met on the plane in the previous episode. After the date, Kramer discovers that Tia is wearing the perfume he invented in “The Pez Dispenser“, which she calls “The Ocean.”

Tia later dumps Jerry after witnessing him picking his nose. Jerry claims that he was only scratching it because there was no “nostril penetration.” Meanwhile, George visits a therapist to discuss a problem with his girlfriend Susan, but the session is unproductive as first George, and then also the therapist, obsess over the stuck zipper on George’s jacket. George later reunites with Susan only to realize it was a mistake, so he uses “the pick” to escape. Kramer goes to Calvin Klein to complain about “The Ocean”, and is instead asked to pose for a risqué underwear advertisement, where his genitals are accidentally exposed.

The Airport

Jerry and Elaine are flying home from St. Louis to New York after Jerry has performed a show and Elaine has visited her sister. When their flight to JFK Airport gets cancelled, Jerry and Elaine rebook on another flight to LaGuardia Airport, with one seat left in first class and one in coach. After a brief tense moment during which Jerry explains that he cannot fly coach since he’s flown first class before while Elaine hasn’t and so cannot miss it, Elaine gets cramped into coach and Jerry parties in first class with a sexy model, Tia Van Camp (Jennifer Campbell).

Due to their having to rebook and a rerouting of their flight, George and Kramer go between JFK and LaGuardia to pick them up. Once they settle on an airport, George meets a convict, and takes the last Time Magazine available. The convict asks for it, but George refuses, saying he has a “blurb” in it. The convict tells him to look at the cover, which shows the convict’s face and the headline “Caught!”. George still refuses to hand over the magazine, despite threats from the convict. Kramer sees a former roommate of his (Grossbard) who owes him $240 from twenty years ago. Kramer hatches a scheme to get the money back that involves him and George buying tickets for the man’s flight and boarding it, Kramer receiving his money and then they get off the plane and return the tickets. George buys into the scheme, as he decides it will give him more frequent flier miles, and he will just get his money back, he asks Kramer to buy two tickets. Kramer buys non-refundable tickets, claiming the woman who sold them convinced him it was a good deal, to George’s dismay. They board the plane and Kramer confronts Grossbard, asking him for the money, when Grossbard claims he does not know who Kramer is, Kramer attempts to reach into his pocket and grab his wallet, which creates a scene. During this, George is waiting for the bathroom, and when the door opens up, it is the convict, unshackled, inside. He grabs George, pulls him into the bathroom and locks the door, and then continues to beat up George. Kramer is arrested and apparently in “serious trouble”, but he escapes the security guard’s grasp and runs away.

When Jerry and Elaine land, the model says goodbye to Jerry, and claims she will call him, while she is being followed by paparazzi. Elaine’s bag never arrives (This was due to an earlier scene where Elaine complains to a man who handles their baggage that he does not deserve to be tipped. In revenge, he sends her luggage on a different flight to Honolulu.), and Kramer comes sliding down the baggage chute, as his escape was successful. The three of them leave, while George is seen on a seat in the airplane, flying to an unknown location, letting out a scream of exasperation (directed at Kramer), as the episode ends.

There is an alternative ending where George meets up with Elaine and Jerry at the baggage claim, beaten up, saying in a daze, “You won’t believe what happened to me.”

The Contest

The episode begins with Jerry, Kramer and Elaine dining at Monk’s Cafe. George enters and says, “My mother caught me.” When asked what, he says, “I was alone,” and he goes on to imply that his mother caught him masturbating in her house while reading Glamour Magazine, resulting in her falling over in shock and ending up in the hospital. George says he’ll never do that again, and when Jerry expresses skepticism at this, they make a $100 bet over who can go the longest without masturbating. Kramer then joins the bet, as does Elaine. However, Elaine is forced to bet $150, because the men claim that it is harder for men not to masturbate, as it is part of a man’s “lifestyle”.

Kramer is first out, due to the presence of a beautiful woman in the apartment across the street who walked around naked with the curtains open. The others are distracted by various temptations. George is distracted in the hospital his mother is staying at by another attractive woman who receives daily sponge baths from an equally attractive female nurse. Elaine attends a fitness club which is also attended by John F. Kennedy, Jr. Jerry is tempted by the naked woman across the street and frustrated because the woman he’s dating won’t have sex with him, since she is a virgin.

The contest affects their sleep, and the remaining contestants suffer insomnia, while only the people who were eliminated can sleep peacefully. Elaine shares a ride with Kennedy, and she tells him that she lives near Jerry in order to extend the ride. She then learns that Kennedy wants to meet, and says he’ll drop by Jerry’s apartment. Eventually, the pressure becomes too much for her and she is the second person to be knocked out of the contest.

While making out on the couch, Marla asks Jerry if they can have sex, claiming that she is ready. However, Jerry then tells Marla about the contest, prompting Marla to leave in disgust. Elaine believes that Kennedy has changed his mind and not bothered to see her. George then tells Elaine that Kennedy did come, but missed her and went with Marla. They then see Kramer with the naked woman across the street. That night, everyone has a good sleep, implying that nobody won, but there are two later references in the series to George having won. First, in “The Puffy Shirt”, George has a brief new career as a hand model, and is warned about a previous model that ruined his career by deforming his hands through too-frequent masturbation. George replies: “You don’t have to worry about me. I won a contest.” Second, in The Finale, George is shown to be the victor, but thinking he’s about to die in a plane crash, he admits to Jerry that he cheated. Marla also is found, showing that she slept with John.

The Virgin

After a month and a half of procrastinating on a television pilot idea, Jerry is nervous about the series’ fate, while George remains indifferent. Jerry then introduces Marla, his new girlfriend, who has not lost her virginity.

George asks out a woman named Stacy (Leah Lail). He knows he cannot keep this relationship up, though, considering that he’s dating Susan. George then finds himself in a dilemma: this is the first time he has something good to say when asked “what do you do?” (“television writer”), but he cannot use this title to pick up women because of Susan. If he breaks up with Susan, however, to see other women, he’ll wind up losing his good job title, since Susan’s one of the executives of NBC. Jerry is amused by the irony of this situation.

Elaine fears that she may have offended Marla in regards to her virginity, and goes to talk to her. She then educates Marla on the “normal behavior” of men after they’re through having sex with someone. This makes Marla hesitant to have sex with Jerry.

George eventually winds up coming up with an idea for the pilot, involving a man being forced into becoming a butler after a set of insurance-related circumstances. Meanwhile, Elaine becomes the indirect cause of a biking accident that Ping has (this is later dealt with in further detail in “The Visa”).

Jerry pitches the butler-idea to the NBC executives, getting much unexpected approval; but during the meeting, George inadvertently gets Susan fired for kissing her. She breaks up with him, but George finds that he still cannot pick up women, most of whom view the role of television writer as unprestigious.

The Opera

“Crazy” Joe Davola leaves Jerry a message saying he will put the “kibosh” on him. Kramer has tickets for the opera Pagliacci, and everyone is going, including Elaine and her boyfriend, Joey. Elaine drops in on Joe’s apartment where she discovers that he has a wall of pictures of her that he took with his telephoto lens. After repeatedly calling her “Nedda” and insinuating she is cheating on him, he tries to trap her in the apartment, so she maces him with cherry Binaca and ends their relationship.

Jerry, Kramer, Elaine, and George go to the opera, where Elaine tells the others that Joey isn’t coming, and Susan has to pick up a friend at the airport and can’t come either, they have two extra tickets. George and Kramer attempt to scalp the tickets, each trying to get a better deal than the other, because George tries to sell the tickets for too little, and won’t listen to Kramer.

As Jerry and Elaine wait for their friends to return, they are asked by a street performer impersonating Canio for a tip. Jerry had flipped a coin earlier, and it was taken by another spectator, so he didn’t have any money for the clown, which annoyed him.

Meanwhile, “Crazy” Joe is getting ready for the opera by working out and sobbing as Canio’s aria plays. He then puts on the white makeup for Canio’s character, Pagliaccio. Later, Joe is seen, now in full Pagliaccio costume, walking through a park on his way to the opera house. He is mocked by a group of menacing men, but uses martial arts to knock them all out.

Kramer is approached by a clown (not knowing it’s “Crazy” Joe Davola) who wants to buy the leftover ticket to Pagliacci. Kramer then claims that the clown looks “familiar”, to which the clown asks him if he ever went to the circus and if he liked it; Kramer answers that he had gone when he was little and that he was scared of the clowns. The clown then asks Kramer if he’s still scared of clowns (while giving a menacing smile), to which Kramer uneasily answers “Yeah”.

Jerry and Elaine are still standing outside, and they get to talking about “their nutjobs” and discover that each of their Joes is the same person. They freak out, because Joe is probably now out to get both of them. Soon, the clown returns, and when Jerry tells him that he doesn’t have any money, the clown responds, “I don’t want any money.” As they both stand there, Elaine thinks she smells cherries and the clown says, “It’s Binaca”, just as the real Canio starts to sing. Jerry and Elaine both scream (realizing it’s “Crazy” Joe) and run away.

George has finally agreed to sell the ticket to someone as Susan runs up and says she can join him because her friend’s plane was diverted to Philadelphia. George gives her ticket to her, and deftly gives the man his own; since he will not attend the show, he must then invent an explanation that will please Susan.

Kramer shows up with the tickets, and he, Elaine and Jerry take their seats. They are joined by Susan, and Harry Fong, the chubby Asian man to whom George sold his ticket. They ask where George is, and Harry says that he got George’s ticket and Susan also tells them that he was “uncomfortable.” Jerry and Elaine ask Kramer to whom he gave the last ticket, and Kramer says, “Some nut in a clown suit” just as the curtain comes up, causing Jerry and Elaine to panic as the opera audience claps for applause and the episode closes.

The Cheever Letters

George is to meet Susan’s parents (played by Warren Frost and Grace Zabriskie) and is not looking forward to telling her father that his cabin had been burned down (by Kramer with the Cuban cigars Susan’s father had given to George as a gift). Jerry suggests that the Rosses are likely to see the irony of the situation.

The two of them try to settle down to get some work on their pilot script done. They struggle to get some work done, and Jerry decides to phone Elaine. He gets through to her chatty secretary Sandra (Lisa Malkiewicz). Jerry complains to Elaine about Sandra, and after getting off the phone she asks her secretary to not talk to Jerry so much. Sandra is not happy, and quits. Meanwhile, back at the apartment Kramer enters, and asks George if he has any more Cuban cigars as he needs them to play golf in a private club. George does not, so he leaves with a mission to find some.

That night, George has an awkward dinner with Susan and her parents. Susan eventually tells him that the cabin was burnt down, and he is devastated to discover that there was nothing recovered. Meanwhile, Jerry is asked by Elaine to apologize to Sandra in the hope that she might return to work. Jerry does so, and is persuaded to arrange a date with her that night. They end up back at the apartment later that night but she storms off after they had been talking dirty and Jerry had crossed the line.

Jerry meets George the next day in the café and explains what had happened the previous night. Jerry explains how he said, “You mean the panties your mother laid out for you?”, and this led to Sandra storming out. George tells Jerry about dinner the night before, and they return to the apartment to work on the pilot. They doze off but are awoken by Elaine who thanks Jerry for getting Sandra back to work there. Jerry says she should relocate her quickly, and is relieved she had not mentioned the previous night.

Kramer heads to the Cuban Diplomatic Mission at the United Nations to get hold of some cigars and meets three Cuban diplomats who, although they have some, tell him that they are illegal in the United States. However, the chief diplomat, played by Miguel Perez, likes Kramer’s jacket, and they come to an agreement to swap.

Jerry and George go to Susan’s house to return her sunglasses. While they are there a doorman comes round with a metal box from the insurance company, the only thing to survive from the fire. Susan opens it, and discovers inside some letters written to her father from the novelist John Cheever. She reads a letter, detailing Susan’s father’s affair with Cheever. After a brief pause, Jerry and George attempt to leave but Susan’s father enters the room. He notices the box, and the reaction of the people in the room makes him fear the worst. He is found out to be bisexual and describes Cheever as “the most wonderful person” he’d ever known and that he “loved him dearly” in a way they “would never understand.” Jerry and George finally leave the shocked family.

Back home, they attempt to do some more work on the pilot. They manage one more sentence (Jerry: “I could say, ‘How’s it going?’!”) before they get interrupted by Elaine. She is not happy. Having got Sandra transferred to another department, her ex-secretary had told everybody that Elaine had been using company funds to phone a friend in Europe. The company has charged her $429, that Jerry pays for her. Hearing some commotion outside, Jerry opens the door to his apartment to reveal Kramer and the three Cuban diplomats, who go off to play golf. One of them is wearing Kramer’s jacket. Inside, George is reading Falconer by John Cheever, and Jerry tells Elaine that he is “familiar with some of his writings”. Jerry sends Elaine away so they can get some work done. As she leaves, she reveals that Sandra had told her about her night with Jerry, saying, “Maybe I should go visit my mother. She just bought me some new panties and they’re all laid out for me!”

The Bubble Boy

Jerry, George, George’s girlfriend Susan, and Elaine plan to travel to Susan’s family’s lakeside cabin. In the coffee shop, Elaine and Jerry meet a kindly father (played by Brian Doyle-Murray) who describes the sad life of his young son Donald who lives in a “plastic bubble” (a germ-free quarantine, which is in reality a mere plastic divider). As Donald is a fan of Jerry’s, Jerry is forced by Elaine to visit Donald on the way to the cabin to cheer him up. However, Jerry gets lost and George and Susan arrive before him. While waiting for Jerry to arrive, they play Trivial Pursuit with the “bubble boy”.

The Trivial Pursuit game ends prematurely when George disputes the answer to the question “Who invaded Spain in the 8th century?” Donald answers “the Moors”, but the question card says “the Moops” due to a misprint. George refuses to give Donald credit, causing Donald to attack George. As Susan tries to defend George from Donald’s attack, she punctures and depressurizes the “bubble”, inadvertently making George look guilty since he was actually struggling with Donald.

Meanwhile, Kramer and Jerry’s girlfriend Naomi (played by Jessica Lundy) attempt to rendezvous with Jerry, Elaine, George, and Susan at Susan’s family’s country home. Kramer carelessly leaves his lit cigar near some newspapers, which causes a fire that destroys Susan’s family’s cabin. The other four travelers arrive shortly after the firefighters.

The Watch

Jerry has dinner with his parents and Uncle Leo. Elaine uses Kramer as “her boyfriend” in trying to fool her psychiatrist, Dr. Reston, who she was dating (played by Stephen McHattie). George gets Russell Dalrymple’s address and tries to get the pilot reinstated. He succeeds — at a price lower than Russell’s original offer. Jerry tries to buy back the watch from Uncle Leo. Outside her psychiatrist’s office, Elaine meets “Crazy” Joe Davola, whom she begins to date.

This episode opens with clips from the previous episode “The Wallet”, and is part two of a two-parter, even though it has different titles.

The Wallet

Jerry’s parents come to town to see a back specialist, they hear about “Crazy” Joe Davola not liking Jerry and ask about the watch they gave him. George “negotiates” the deal with the NBC and gets a box of cigars from Susan Ross’s father. While at the doctor’s office Morty’s wallet is “stolen”. Elaine returns from her trip and tries to end her relationship with her shrink. The deal with NBC is lost.

The Ticket

Kramer suffers side effects from his head injury because “Crazy” Joe Davola kicked him in the head. NBC gives Jerry and George another meeting and on the way, Jerry throws out a watch his parents gave him. He then meets his Uncle Leo, who picks the watch out of the garbage. Kramer agrees to be an alibi for Newman’s trial on a speeding ticket. George and Jerry meet with NBC executives and they give the go ahead for a pilot. Later they hide in the coffee shop, afraid of an attack from “Crazy” Joe Davola. Elaine’s psychiatrist realizes that he did not leave an extra prescription for Joe Davola, for the time while he would be on vacation.