Seinfeld Reference – Page 4 – A website about nothing

The Van Buren Boys

Jerry’s girlfriend, Ellen (Christine Taylor) seems perfect in every way, but Jerry notices that she doesn’t seem to have many friends and becomes alarmed that he’s dating a loser. George interviews candidates for “The Foundation’s” first scholarship. All the candidates seem over-qualified and cocky, until one comes in who is a lot like he was, a below-average student and underachiever. Elaine is going to ghost write Peterman’s autobiography. Kramer goes to Lorenzo’s Pizzeria, where he has an encounter with “The Van Buren Boys”, a fictional street gang. He accidentally flashes their gang sign (the number 8, as Martin Van Buren was the eighth president and the man they most admire) and saves himself. Meanwhile, Peterman wants his day-to-day life covered in his bio; the exotic adventures are for the catalog. His day-to-day life is very boring. Elaine tells Peterman about Kramer’s encounter with the gang and he suggests buying the story for his autobiography.

George’s choice, Steven Koren, makes a change in his plans that causes George to disqualify him from the scholarship. Steven had been telling people he wanted to be an architect, the very dream George fictitiously tells people is his occupation. One day, however, Steven decides he could do better and remarks to that he’d like to be a city planner. George is outraged that this slacker feels he could do better than an architect, George’s dream job.

However, Kramer sells Peterman all of his stories for $750. Elaine is put at his disposal, much to her dismay. To Elaine, Kramer’s stories aren’t much more interesting, and most make very little sense. George and Kramer perform an intervention on Jerry’s relationship with Ellen. Steven joins the Van Buren boys, who apply pressure on George to get the scholarship back. Elaine tells Kramer that he can no longer tell his stories, since they now belong to Peterman. Elaine tries to embellish Kramer’s stories, but Peterman finds the rewrites “too cliché and obvious.” She tells him the real Kramer story that he finds much more interesting. He tells Kramer (who had actually called to ask for the return of his stories) that he can have his stories back. George tries to save himself from the Van Buren boys, by asking Kramer how he got out of the similar situation. At the time, Kramer couldn’t tell George because that story belonged to Peterman. Kramer mentions in passing that “the Van B. Boys” never bother their own kind. Jerry flies his parents in to get their impression of Ellen. Once he sees that his parents both like Ellen very much, begins to see the light; reasoning that if they like her, then there must be something wrong with her. The episode finishes with George trying to prove to the Van Buren Boys that he is a former member of theirs by attempting (and failing) to take the wallet of Jerry’s parents as they happen to walk by. The last shot is of him running away from the gang, after attempting (also in vain) to show them the “sign”, which he doesn’t know.

The Comeback

George Costanza has a conflict with one of his coworkers at the New York Yankees named Reilly (Joel Polis). When Reilly notices George stuffing himself with shrimp cocktail at a meeting, he remarks: “Hey George, the ocean called; they’re running out of shrimp.” Slow-witted George cannot think of a comeback until later, while driving to the tennis club to meet Jerry. His comeback is: “Well, the Jerk Store called, and they’re running out of you.” George becomes obsessed with recreating the encounter so that he can make use of his comeback.

Jerry, Elaine and Kramer disapprove of “jerk store” as a comeback mainly because “there are no jerk stores.” Elaine suggests, “Your cranium called. It’s got some space to rent.” Jerry offers, “The zoo called. You’re due back by six.” Kramer finally suggests that George simply tell Reilly that he slept with his wife.

After discovering that Reilly was let go from the Yankees and now works for Firestone, George flies to Akron, Ohio, sets up a meeting, and brings a tray of shrimp just to try out the jerk store line. When he says it, however, Reilly shoots back with “What’s the difference? You’re their all-time best seller.” George, unprepared for this ends up using Kramer’s line, “Yeah? Well I had sex with your wife!” He is then told that Reilly’s wife is in a coma.

During the end credits, George is seen driving away from the airport back in New York, muttering to himself that he could not think of another comeback, when he utters, “The life support machine called…”, and in an ecstatic fit, whips his car into a U-turn to head back to the airport and fly back to Firestone to deliver yet another comeback, all the while yelling out “You’re beat, Reilly! You just screwed yourself!”

Jerry meets George at a private tennis club to play tennis. He goes to the pro shop where he is pressured into buying a brand new racquet by the worker there — an Eastern European man named Miloš (Mark Harelik). Later, while playing at a different club with Elaine, Jerry discovers that Miloš is a horrible tennis player. In Jerry’s eyes, this undermines Miloš’ credibility as a salesman.

When Jerry confronts Miloš at the pro shop, he offers to do anything in exchange for Jerry not revealing his secret. Jerry implies that if Miloš sets him up with an attractive woman that they see in the shop, he will be silent. Later Jerry runs into the woman, who is named Patty (Ivana Mili?evi?), waiting for him outside his apartment. She initially comes on strong, but recoils in shame after revealing that she is Miloš’ wife and was instructed to come onto Jerry by her husband (of course she does not know Miloš’ reason for setting up the date was to convince Jerry to keep his secret). The incident makes her lose respect for Miloš.

In a new deal, Miloš wants Jerry to let him win in a game of tennis to regain Patty’s respect. During the game, Miloš becomes boastful and gloating. After winning another game against Jerry, he exclaims “Another game for Miloš!” Jerry begins to play harder, frustrated at Miloš’ taunts. Jerry hits a ball wide of Miloš who swings wildly at it, releasing his racquet into the air, which finally comes down on another tennis player who falls on a ball machine, redirecting its aim to Kramer’s head.

Elaine runs into Kramer at Champagne Video, while browsing the staff picks. Elaine is a fan of Vincent’s picks, with whom she has the same taste in movies. (Kramer characterizes Vincent as an arthouse goon.) Later, while Elaine is watching Vincent’s latest pick, he calls her on the telephone. Elaine becomes romantically interested in him, but is unable to meet him in person.

On a subsequent visit to the video store, Kramer convinces Elaine to forego Vincent’s pick in favor of a Gene pick, Weekend at Bernie’s II. Vincent feels betrayed by this and terminates their relationship. He sends her the play button from his VCR, and stops making picks.

After Elaine rents Vincent’s pick that she spurned in favor of Weekend at Bernie’s II, Vincent agrees to meet her at his apartment if she brings some things from the store. The stuff he wants includes vodka, cigarettes and fireworks. When she is at his apartment, he refuses to open the door all the way so Elaine can see him. A woman walks up who turns out to be Vincent’s mom. She says that Vincent is 15 years old. Elaine takes the vodka from the bag and walks off.

The relationship between Elaine and Vincent is a reference to The Phantom of the Opera, which was in its 9th year on Broadway at the time

While at the video store, Kramer rents The Other Side of Darkness, a (fictional) straight-to-video movie that deals with a woman in a coma. Frightened by the movie, he has a living will drawn up. At first he considers making Jerry his executor, but decides that he is too sentimental after Jerry refuses to throw away his old tennis racquet. He decides Elaine should be his executor instead and they meet with a lawyer named Shellbach (played by Ben Stein).

After Kramer finishes watching the movie (when the woman miraculously comes out of the coma), he decides he needs to get his living will annulled, but he misses his appointment with Shellbach because he drives so slowly for fear of getting in an accident. He learns that he can catch up with Shellbach at the tennis club. When he catches up with him, a sequence of events caused by Jerry and Miloš’s tennis game causes a ball machine to fire at Kramer at top speed. Kramer collapses and ends up in the hospital. When Elaine visits him, looking for an outlet for her VCR, she unplugs a large plug. Kramer wakes up, and seeing the plug, he thinks Elaine is removing his life-support.

A slightly baffling element to this episode is that Kramer claims not to have known that a coma victim may regain consciousness despite having previously witnessed Martin regain consciousness from his coma in The Suicide.

The Money

Jerry’s parents sell the Cadillac to Jack Klompus for $6,000 in order to give Jerry some money to help him out. They, along with Kramer, suggest that Jerry might try a career move. Elaine talks about her J. Peterman stock options and buys George’s coffee. He thinks she is sticking it to him. Jerry and George talk about the money their parents might have. This piques George’s interest. Kramer seeks advice from Elaine about his girlfriend’s post-sex bed habits: she’s got “the Jimmy leg”. Jerry flies to Florida to buy the Cadillac back. George seeks information on his family’s health history. Kramer works out a deal with his girlfriend. Jerry meets with Klompus and agrees to pay $14,000 for it. George anticipating a big inheritance begins to spend money. Unfortunately for him, so do his parents.

Klompus drives the car into a swamp and Jerry returns to Florida. Jerry’s parents are still worried about him and wonder what to do. Morty decides to see Elaine about a job; she reluctantly agrees to give him a job, just as Peterman returns. Kramer, fearing a prowler (actually Morty Seinfeld), decides he can no longer sleep alone; unfortunately his girlfriend (played by Sarah Silverman) has decided she can. So he moves in with the Costanzas, who tell George that they are moving to Florida. Elaine returns to her regular position at Peterman, with no options. George and Elaine try to discuss their respective problems. Still in Florida, strapped for cash and credit, Jerry sleeps in the Cadillac. Kramer and Emily spend the night as an old married couple in the Costanzas’ house.

The Seinfelds make a change in their housing – they’ve moved into a trailer- as the Costanzas try to settle into their new place.

The Little Jerry

At Monk’s, Kramer tells Jerry that the owner of a nearby bodega, Marcelino (Miguel Sandoval), posted one of Jerry’s bounced checks on his cash-register, along with the other bad ones. The check has a picture of a clown holding balloons.

At this moment, George walks into the restaurant, in a very happy mood. He explains that The Susan Ross Foundation made a large donation to a women’s prison, and he gets to go there to “check it out.” Elaine then makes an entrance, introducing her new boyfriend Kurt (John Michael Higgins), who shaves his head.

Jerry goes to the bodega where his check is, and pays Marcelino what he owes. Marcelino, however, refuses to take the check down under “store policy.” George goes to the women’s prison, and meets the warden: Betsy (Kathryn Joosten), but is disappointed as to how tame and peaceful the building is. George then proceeds to ask “out” the prison’s librarian, Celia (Andrea Bendewald), finding many pros with dating a woman who’s in jail.

Kramer announces that he bought what he thinks is a hen (whom he named “Little Jerry Seinfeld”) for its eggs, but later finds out that it is a rooster. Meanwhile, Elaine is thoroughly disappointed in Kurt’s bald head after seeing the hair he could have if he didn’t keep shaving it off. She persuades him to regrow his hair, but is even more shocked to discover that he’s going bald. After a pep talk from George, Kurt soon proposes to Elaine in order to have as much time with her as possible before he goes completely bald.

Marcelino convinces Kramer to put Little Jerry in a cock fight, which he winds up winning. Marcelino then makes a deal with Jerry: he’ll take his check down only if he can have Little Jerry. Kramer strongly opposes this transaction, though. When George finds out that Celia is up for parole, he desperately tries to put a stop to it, judging that he interacts with her better when she’s in prison. He succeeds in preventing her from getting the parole, but doesn’t stop her from unexpectedly breaking out, which she does later on.

One of the last scenes in this episode takes place at the cock fight, where Little Jerry is faced with a huge and skilled opponent. Kramer dives after Little Jerry, trying to protect him, but winds up getting violently pecked (off-screen) by the opposing bird.

Celia is soon tracked down and arrested, and Kurt is also arrested after being mistaken for George because of his baldness. We then see Elaine visiting him in jail due to his fighting one of the arresting officers, and returns his engagement ring after finding out that by the time he gets out (10 – 14 months), he’ll be permanently bald.

The Andrea Doria

George is excited about the new apartment he is going to move into. Elaine is on a blind date, now called a “set-up.” Jerry takes Kramer to his self-storage where they discover that Newman has been hiding bags of mail. George finds out he can’t get his apartment because the tenant association is going to give it to an SS Andrea Doria survivor. Elaine is told her date won’t be making it because he’s been stabbed. Kramer’s cold is getting bad and he’s not going to the doctor (they botched his vasectomy and he’s now more potent than ever). Jerry tries to get Newman to get rid of the mail; however, he’s not interested because he didn’t get the transfer to Hawaii, the most sought-after route for all postmen.

Kramer finds a dog with a cold, named Smuckers, and he takes him to the vet, so he can get medicine for their colds. Elaine meets her blind date who gets coffee thrown in his face from another ex-girlfriend. She discovers his problem is that he is a “bad breaker-upper.” George confronts his rival for the apartment and decides to wage war. As Elaine breaks up with her blind date, he calls her “a big head.” From a suggestion by Jerry, George asks for a hearing with the association and tells them the story of his life. Jerry forms “an alliance” with Newman that will hopefully get him out of his life forever. Jerry tries to get Kramer to take his medication.

He discovers that Kramer is taking dog medication and beginning to exhibit the signs of being a dog. The big head comment begins to hold true for Elaine (when a cab driver and a passer-by remark on it) and she decides to meet again with her blind date to show him she doesn’t care about his comment… or jam “a fork in his forehead.” Jerry tries to take Kramer to a real doctor. After Kramer bites Newman’s ankle, Jerry offers to deliver the rest of his mail. Newman does not get the transfer to Hawaii, as the post office finds out that Newman wasn’t delivering the mail himself, because too many people got their mail. Elaine meets up with her blind date and makes good on her promise, after the man says that she has a bump on her nose. Kramer saves the day. George and the survivor don’t get the apartment, but the guy Elaine stabs does. He gets it, not because he was stabbed, but because he bribed the building’s super. When George confronts him over this, the blind date calls him “Chinless,” and the episode ends with George rubbing his chin and looking perturbed.

The Abstinence

George’s girlfriend has mononucleosis, so he can’t have sex with her for six weeks. Elaine has met a doctor who has almost gotten his license to practice. Jerry agrees to appear at career day at his former junior high school, but he is bumped back because the children love the zoo worker, then when he is about to go on there is a fire drill. Kramer lights up a cigar in Monk’s and is asked to leave by Larry. He meets others on the street who face his dilemma so he opens up his apartment as a smoking lounge.

Jerry’s agent gets him a whole assembly at the school. George’s lack of sex makes his mind sharper; he finds he is learning new things quickly and is now “smart”. Elaine learns how much her doctor boyfriend doesn’t know about medicine when he is unable to help a diner customer experiencing a medical emergency. She uses George’s technique of abstinence to help him study to get his license, but in the process she becomes stupid. Later in the episode, she begs Jerry to have sex with her again, because she wants to clear her mind. When Jerry turns her down because the situation is “too weird”, she then asks him if Kramer is home.

Because Kramer has been smoking heavily, his face becomes leathery and “hideous”. Jerry struggles to figure out how to fill two hours in front of a junior high crowd. George however creates a presentation for Jerry’s assembly. He uses his newfound intellect to give batting advice to New York Yankee players Derek Jeter and Bernie Williams, and to learn Portuguese. Kramer sees his lawyer Jackie Chiles about a case against the tobacco company for ruining his good looks, as his looks are his livelihood. He gets a settlement without Jackie’s input; it turns out he gets a billboard with his face on it in Times Square.

George calculates the odds of having sex with a Portuguese waitress, and concludes that statistically, he has to do it. He arrives at the school and meets Jerry, behaving stupidly. Jerry realizes that George has had sex, so he can no longer go do his presentation; Jerry goes out and is greeted by boos. Elaine’s boyfriend gets his license and dumps her, leaving her sexually frustrated. Later, talk show host David Letterman informs Jerry his appearance has been canceled because he bombed at the high school assembly.

The Chicken Roaster

A Kenny Rogers Roasters chicken restaurant opens across the street from Jerry’s apartment building, complete with a gigantic red neon chicken atop the roof. The light from the Kenny Rogers Roasters sign beams right into Kramer’s apartment. The bright red chicken light takes its toll on Kramer’s sleeping schedule, so he proposes that he and Jerry swap apartments. Kramer hangs a banner from his window protesting the restaurant in an attempt to get rid of the neon sign. Jerry and Kramer switch apartments, and Kramer takes the opportunity to invite Newman over. Newman brings over a box of Kenny Rogers Roasters chicken, to which Kramer unwittingly lets himself get addicted. Jerry finds himself unable to sleep in Kramer’s apartment and gradually takes on Kramer’s mannerisms, while Kramer becomes more like Jerry. Jerry sees Newman buying enough chicken for two people at Kenny Rogers and discovers that Kramer is hooked on the stuff after the sales clerk tells Newman that he had forgotten to give him his broccoli that Jerry knew that he (Newman) hates. After Jerry unintentionally sabotages the restaurant with George’s drenched hat, the restaurant shuts down and the neon light finally goes off, but Kramer loses access to his beloved Kenny Rogers Roasters chicken.

While scoping out the new restaurant, Jerry runs into an old college buddy named Seth, whom he persuades to blow off a business meeting in order for them to go have lunch together. However, Jerry learns that the meeting Seth blew off was vital to Seth keeping his job. He then learns that Seth has lost his job and discovers that Seth is working as the assistant manager at Kenny Rogers Roasters. Later, Jerry shakes Elaine’s rain-soaked rat hat while at Kenny Rogers Roasters, covering the food with rat fur and prompting a shutdown of the restaurant.

Elaine, acting as the Peterman Catalog president, has fun charging numerous expensive purchases to the Peterman account, including a new sable Russian hat for George. Elaine gets called out by the Peterman accounting department for her impulsive charges to the company account. George, donning his new hat, brags about his prospective date with Heather, the saleswoman who sold the hat to him. He explains that if the prospect of a second date looks slim, he’ll simply pull a “leave-behind” as an excuse to come back. Elaine is able to justify all her recent purchases as business expenses, except for George’s hat, which cost a staggering $8,000. Heather is unimpressed by George, so he leaves his new hat behind in Heather’s apartment. Elaine needs the hat to justify her purchase, but when George tries to reclaim it, Heather insists that she doesn’t have it.

George and Elaine still can’t find the hat in Heather’s apartment, and as an act of revenge, George secretly steals Heather’s clock. Jerry directs Elaine to a source for a replacement hat to make up for the one George lost. However, the Peterman accountant isn’t fooled by the substitute hat, which is made of nutria fur. To save her job, Elaine sets off for the jungles of Burma to seek the approval of J. Peterman himself. George thinks that Heather is wise to his theft of her clock and is willing to make a swap for the hat. In the Burmese jungle, Elaine locates Peterman, but he can’t approve her purchases without seeing the hat either. George learns that Heather is actually interested in him and really does not have his hat. She breaks it off when she discovers her stolen clock in George’s possession.

The Checks

Elaine’s new boyfriend, Brett (James Patrick Stuart), is obsessed with designer furniture and the song “Desperado” by The Eagles. Jerry spots an umbrella salesman using the sales technique he invented which was named ‘The Twirl’. However, the salesman explains that it was someone else.

Hundreds of twelve-cent royalty checks keep arriving from Jerry’s brief appearance on a Japanese television show. Kramer warns George that the carpet cleaners he hired are actually a front for a religious cult. Intrigued, George tries to be converted, but they’re not interested in him.

Kramer meets some Japanese businessmen and he takes them on the town and to the cleaners. He is a little confused about the exchange rate and spends all their money. Brett delivers a large chest of drawers to Kramer and thinks that Jerry might be jealous. Kramer thinks the TV pilot that Jerry and George did would be perfect for Japanese television. They pitch it to a couple of Japanese TV executives.

Elaine tries to find a song that she and Brett can share, including “Witchy Woman”, also by The Eagles, although this is rejected. Having run out of money, Kramer puts his Japanese friends up at his place, sleeping in the chest of drawers (much like a capsule hotel). Jerry caught in the rain meets the man in the street that claims credit for the twirl. He also meets Brett who is convinced Jerry is down on his luck.

George gets the cleaners to do the offices at Yankee Stadium where they find a new recruit—George’s boss, Mr. Wilhelm. He joins under the name of Tania, the name Patty Hearst took after she was kidnapped by the Symbionese Liberation Army. Because of the humidity from the hot tub, Kramer’s guests get stuck in the chest. Jerry, with writer’s cramp from check signing, uses a fire ax to open the chest, which scares the Japanese guests and injures Brett who is knocked unconscious when he attempts to stop Jerry from harming the chest. During the coda it is strongly implied that Brett dies from his injury when the surgeon becomes distracted by “Witchy Woman” in much the same way Brett would become distracted by “Desperado”.

The Fatigues

Jerry is dating a girl, Abby (A.J. Langer), and is intrigued by the concept of his girlfriend having a mentor. Jerry meets Cynthia, his girlfriend’s mentor, but finds out she is dating Kenny Bania. After they see Bania’s act, Jerry’s girlfriend loses respect for her mentor and eventually fires her. George has to give a lecture on risk management (because his résumé gives the impression that he is an expert on the subject), but he finds that he can’t study for it because books on tape have spoiled him. When George discovers the blind can get any book on tape, he intentionally fails an eye test so he can get his book on tape. George encounters a problem when the person’s voice on the tape sounds like his voice, much to his displeasure. Elaine prepares to fire Eddie Sherman (Ned Bellamy), an employee, but when face to face with him, is scared of him and promotes him instead (a technique reminiscent of The Dilbert Principle, reflecting Elaine’s inept management style). When he does a terrible job Elaine promotes him again to get rid of him. This plan backfires when the other employees quit because he was promoted over them, causing Elaine to work on the project alone with Sherman.

Kramer runs a Jewish singles night at Frank’s Knights of Columbus hall. When he realizes he can’t cook Jewish food, he asks for Frank’s help. Frank refuses, because he hasn’t cooked since the Korean War where he sickened his fellow troops by using bad meat and has become traumatized because of it (Frank’s memory is dramatized with a reenactment in which the onset of food poisoning is set to Barber’s “Adagio for strings”, as in the film Platoon).

When Cynthia dumps Bania because of his poor act, he turns to Jerry for advice, and Jerry agrees to be his mentor. At the same time, Jerry’s girlfriend is looking for a mentor and Jerry is surprised to find that she picked George. However, George’s plans are for her to read and summarize his book on risk management so he can present it to the board. Unfortunately, their files get mixed, and Bania ends up talking about risk management (which ends up working out well for him) and George ends up talking about Ovaltine. Frank, displeased at Estelle’s cooking, decides to cook again and helps Kramer get the food ready for his Jewish singles night. Elaine and Sherman manage to finish the catalog, and when Elaine finds out he adopted his frightening persona after a failure to meet a nice Jewish woman and settle down, takes him to the Jewish singles night. The food turns out to be a hit, and Frank feels reborn. Sherman ends up choking on the food because of Elaine; this, combined with the fact that Sherman is dressed in military fatigues, brings back the bad memories of the night Frank caused his soldiers so much distress. Thinking it was for the same reason, Frank wildly tries to stop people from eating, and the episode closes as he tips over the buffet (again to “Adagio for Strings”).

The Package

Elaine cannot receive medical treatment for her rash because of a reputation as being a “difficult” patient. Kramer offers Jerry a method to get a refund on his stereo that is two years out of warranty. George discovers the woman at the photo store (Heather Campbell) is looking at his pictures. Jerry refuses delivery of a package with no return address. George thinks that the photo store clerk has stuck a revealing picture of herself in with his pictures, when, in actuality, it was a lingerie model’s picture that accidentally got mixed in. Kramer convinces George to return the “compliment” by sending seductive pictures of George to the photo store woman, and offers to take the photos. Uncle Leo signs for Jerry’s package. Elaine tries to lift her medical records.

Jerry lets Uncle Leo open the package and there is the sound of an explosion. Leo’s stove has exploded, not the package. Eventually Jerry gets the package and opens it up, and it contains his stereo in pieces. Kramer sent the package to him insured; now all they must do is collect the insurance money from the post office. Elaine poses as Uncle Leo’s nurse to try a diagnosis for her condition. When that doesn’t work, she tries to get Kramer (who poses as the fictitious Dr. Van Nostrand) to lift her records. Newman grills Jerry on suspicion of mail fraud. George drops off his film at the photo store and gets a surprising result. Newman gets a hold of and reveals the pictures that George and Kramer made, and believes them as a form of male pornography, including a picture of a presumably homosexual man named Ron, who saw the pictures of George taken by Kramer. This later leads to the break-up of the photo store woman and George.