Seinfeld Reference – Page 8 – A website about nothing

The Doodle

Jerry and George are having dinner with their new girlfriends, Shelly (Dana Wheeler-Nicholson) and Paula (Christa Miller). George met Paula at Elaine’s drawing class at The New School. George whispers to Jerry that he is eating pecans that were in Shelly’s mouth. Jerry spits them out and exclaims his disgust, which angers Shelly. When leaving the restaurant George finds a “doodle” that Paula drew of him.

The next day at Monk’s, George complains to Jerry about the doodle Paula drew, finding it an ugly caricature. Elaine enters and sees the doodle, thinking it is Mr. Magoo. Elaine reports that her friend, Judy, recommended her for a job at Viking Press. In order to stay at the company’s suite at the Plaza Hotel she let Viking Press think that she is coming from out of town, and gave Jerry’s parents’ address in Florida as hers.

Jerry says his parents are coming to town at the same time. George implores Elaine to find out if Paula really likes him.

At his apartment Jerry is scratching desperately. Kramer enters eating a “Mackinaw peach” from Oregon which is ripe for only two weeks a year. Jerry then realizes he has flea bites due to his unbearable itching just when his parents arrive.

At the drawing class Paula confesses to Elaine that she likes George, adding “looks aren’t that important to me.” The exterminator at Jerry’s apartment confirms the flea infestation, and has to close down the apartment for 48 hours to fumigate. Jerry convinces Elaine to give the hotel suite to his parents so they have a decent place to stay. George enters, asking about Paula’s interest in him. Elaine says Paula really likes him but, without thinking, repeats Paula’s comments about not caring about physical appearances. George becomes upset, declaring that Paula must think he is ugly, and states that he would prefer to be hated and handsome rather than liked and ugly.

The Seinfelds arrive at the Plaza and marvel at the suite. After meeting with Judy, Elaine realizes she has to go back to Jerry’s apartment to retrieve a manuscript sent from Viking Press for her to read. Outside the apartment Jerry warns her that it’s impossible to enter because it has already been fumigated; an instant later Kramer walks out, having been unaware of the gas. Once informed, Kramer worriedly says he spent an hour and a half in the apartment engrossed with a manuscript. Holding her breath, Elaine frantically searches inside, even flipping over the couch cushions but only finds “Chunky” candy bar wrappers. Seeing the wrappers, Jerry realizes that it was Newman who gave him fleas and goes to confront him. Newman first attempts to deny it, suggesting that Jerry must keep his apartment in a “state of disrepair” and “squalor” but soon succumbs to Jerry’s torturous description of how badly flea bites itch, breaks down, and admits to being “rife with fleas”. (In a deleted scene, Newman frantically confesses that he was ambushed with a flea-infested bulldog named Beauford and caves in horror as Jerry smiles in delight and tosses the Chunky wrappers at the tortured postman.)

At the Plaza, Morty, Helen, Uncle Leo and Nana lavishly use room service, pay-per-view movies, and food at great expense. Meanwhile, George confronts Paula on the street about her indifference towards looks; she confirms her feelings and states that George can drape himself in velvet for all she cares. George perks up at this notion (in The Label Maker he had expressed the desire to do just this). At Monk’s Elaine gets Kramer to summarize the manuscript, which he does in a typically eccentric fashion, leaving Elaine to despair. Suddenly, Kramer notices that he is unable to taste food due to the fumigation exposure.

Jerry is staying at Shelly’s apartment but has forgotten his own toothbrush; Shelly insists that he use hers. On the street, Kramer discovers with dismay that he cannot even taste a Mackinaw peach, to which Newman heartlessly responds that Kramer should then give them all to him. Elaine has her interview at Viking Press and repeats Kramer’s manuscript interpretation, of which the publisher approves. Back at the Plaza, the Seinfelds lay nearly comatose, satiated from excessive food and movies.

George arrives at Monk’s wearing a velvet sweatsuit, now very happy with his relationship with Paula. Jerry reports that he has been thrown out of his girlfriend’s apartment for refusing to use her toothbrush and is now stuck staying with the “Velvet Fog” (“The Jimmy”). Back at her job interview Elaine is questioned about the astronomical room charges at the Plaza, including adult films and room damages. At Monk’s, George enters finishing off a Mackinaw peach, discarding the pit on the table. When Paula casually pops the discarded pit into her mouth to suck out the remaining flavor, he gags with revulsion. Kramer’s tastebuds return just in time for the last peaches; however Newman has beaten him to it, finishing off the last one. Kramer exacts revenge by siccing a bulldog on him.

In the final scene Elaine visits the messed up hotel suite, Uncle Leo sees her and, confused, states that he was expecting an Asian woman.

The Jimmy

Jerry, George and Kramer finished playing a game of basketball with Jimmy (Anthony Starke), a man who always refers to himself in the third person. Jimmy is wearing special training shoes which supposedly improve vertical leap, and George wants a pair so they can be matching twins. George says he shouldn’t have exercised because, even though he took a shower, “it wouldn’t take” — he’s a “human heat pump” and will be sweating later at an important meeting which ruins his career. Jerry and Kramer are scheduled to see Dr. Tim Whatley, the dentist (“The Mom & Pop Store”).

At the New York Yankees meeting Mr. Wilhelm informs there have been a series of escalating burglaries of shoes and batting doughnuts he thinks it’s an “inside job”; George is sweating heavily. While Jerry waits to see Tim Whatley he notices there are Penthouse magazines in the waiting room.

Back at the apartment, Elaine has tickets to a benefit for the Able Mentally Challenged Adults (AMCA) featuring famous crooner Mel Tormé. Elaine also says she wants to meet a handsome blond guy from the health club, but Jerry and George claim to have no idea who she is talking about because they “can’t find beauty in a man”. Jerry is disgusted about the magazines he found in Whatley’s dental office, although he did take a peek. Kramer on the other hand can’t wait for his appointment. George says he and Jimmy will make good money by selling the special shoes. Kramer tastes some Kung Pao and finds it too spicy.

At the health club Elaine tries to get the attention of the blond man but ends up talking with Jimmy, mistaking his own declarations of interest in her for that of the blonde man because of Jimmy’s peculiar way of talking about himself in the third person. Elaine thus agrees to a date with Jimmy.

Kramer visits Tim Whatley’s office. Later at the health club, because of the novocaine, Kramer is drooling water all over the floor and speaking awkwardly. Kramer tells Jerry that Whatley has a new “adults-only policy” for his office. Then, because of the puddle of water, Jimmy slips while demonstrating some “birthing positions” and severely injures his leg–“Jimmy’s got a compound fracture!”–and promises revenge–“Jimmy’s gonna get you, Kramer! Jimmy holds grudges!”

On the street, Kramer is still wearing the silly-looking training shoes and, still suffering from the effects of the novocaine, is mistaken for an “Able Mentally Challenged Adult”. Kramer shares a taxicab with an executive at the AMCA, who mistakes his novocaine-induced condition, paired with his problems entering the cab due to the shoes, for that of an MCA and invites him to the event.

Without Jimmy, George fails to demonstrate the value of the training shoes to employees at a sneaker store, as his vertical leap is embarrassingly short. At the apartment, Kramer says he is invited to the benefit as the guest of honor; Jerry and Elaine realize the confusion because of the novocaine and the shoes.

At a second appointment with Dr. Whatley, Jerry is put to sleep with nitrous oxide. Jerry notices that his regular assistant Jennifer has been replaced by Cheryl (Alison Armitage); Whatley, with a knowing grin, tells Jerry she’s at Dr. Sussman’s office because “we find it fun to swap now and then.” George eats Kung Pao chicken for lunch and is again sweating when individually questioned by Mr. Wilhelm about the stolen goods–who has walked in while George is on the phone with Sports Wholesalers talking about lots of shoes…”beautiful athletic gear.” Wilhelm accuses George of being a terrible liar, thinking the sweat is an unmistakable indication of guilt. George, in response, replies in the third person: “George likes his chicken spicy.”

When Jerry wakes up he has blurred vision but sees Whatley and his nurse putting back on there clothes. At Monk’s Cafe Jerry discusses with Elaine that he fears he may have been violated while asleep. Elaine says she has a date with Jimmy; after Jerry’s description of his way of talking she realizes she is going with the wrong guy. George enters, talking again in the third person saying he must answer to the team owner, George Steinbrenner for the stolen equipment.

Elaine meets Jimmy again at the health club. She learns that Hank, the man she liked, is gay, begins to find Jimmy’s manner of speech interesting, and decides to remain with him, declaring that she once tried to “convert” a gay man (“The Beard”) but will not try that again. At the benefit, Kramer is no longer under the effect of drugs. However, Jimmy arrives and starts fighting with him, slugging him in the face before being dragged out by security, all the while yelling “Jimmy’s gonna get you, Kramer! Hands off Jimmy! Don’t-touch-Jimmy!”; Kramer’s lip becomes swollen and he once again looks and speaks as if he is mentally challenged. While facing Steinbrenner, George starts talking in third person; this confuses Steinbrenner who ends up talking about his lunch and completely forgetting about the stolen equipment. At the benefit, Mel Tormé dedicates his old standby song When You’re Smiling to a beaming Kramer.

The Doorman

Jerry goes to pick up Elaine who is “house-sitting” Mr. Pitt’s apartment. On his way in Jerry has an awkward conversation with the doorman, played by real-life friend Larry Miller. Walking down the street, Kramer, with the thought that it would entertain German tourists on a tour bus, simulates robbing George, but ends up invoking fear in them instead. After George’s parents’ separation (“The Chinese Woman”), Frank Costanza is living with George. Jerry doesn’t want to face the doorman again; he wants to wait until the doorman leaves so he and Elaine can go to the movies. However, Mr. Pitt calls from Scotland and Elaine must stay to check the mail. Walking down the street Jerry finds the doorman, who incidentally is standing outside his own apartment building.

Later at Monk’s Cafe Kramer mentions how George’s father has man breasts (“real hooters”), and that he may use some undergarment for support. George freaks out at the idea that it may be hereditary. Kramer leaves to further work on his idea. Elaine tells Jerry that the doorman accused him on harassing him up to his building. Jerry says the doorman is playing mind games with him.

Again at Mr. Pitt’s building Jerry encounters the doorman also in the night shift. Jerry apologizes, saying he is not used to doormen, and just wants to be friends with him. The doorman leaves Jerry in charge while he goes out quickly to buy a beer. Jerry feels the pressure of being a doorman, even signs a package, but as the doorman is taking too long Jerry leaves his post and heads to Mr. Pitt’s apartment. At George’s Kramer presents Frank a prototype for the man breasts’ supporter. On their way to his apartment George talks with his mother to convince her to take back Frank. He also questions her about his grandma’s bosom size. When Jerry and Elaine step out the elevator the police are there because a couch was stolen from the lobby. When George and his mother arrive at his apartment they catch Frank trying on the undergarment.

Jerry thinks the doorman set him up; Jerry and Elaine try to think of an alibi. At George’s, Kramer and Frank think on going into the bra business with Sid Farkus (“The Sniffing Accountant”); Kramer likes to call his invention “the Bro”, although Frank prefers “the Manssiere”. At Mr. Pitt’s building lobby Elaine says nobody will believe a doorman’s word, but he has the package with Jerry’s signature as evidence. Later at Monk’s, Elaine says they must replace the stolen couch, and George suggests they should take his, because then his father won’t have a place to sleep on and he will have to move back with his mother. Jerry recalls that was the couch Poppie peed on (“The Couch”), and George took while just turning the cushions. Kramer and Frank make a deal with Sid Farkus, a bra salesman, until Farkus implies he would like to invite Frank’s estranged wife to dinner.

Without the couch Frank doesn’t know where he is going to sleep, but at the same time he realizes George had him sleep on urine. As George’s mother arrives she starts fighting again with Frank because she is going to dinner with Sid Farkus.

Later, as Kramer walks the street carrying a stereo, the same German tourists who he had tried to “entertain” earlier see him and try to stop him in a scene alluding to Marathon Man. Kramer manages to stave off the anger in the crowd by introducing “the Bro” to them. At Mr. Pitt’s building Jerry and Elaine have delivered the couch. Poppie happens to be in the building visiting a friend. Poppie recalls how the last time he had his problems was because of Elaine’s stand on abortion (“The Couch”). Thus, when he sees Elaine he cannot control himself and “sits” again on the couch.

In the last scene George is sharing the bed with his father, who offers to share a bowl of Kasha. George turns the offer down and goes to bed, but Frank turns on his lamp, preventing George from sleeping.

The Kiss Hello

Jerry’s Nana calls him to open up a bottle of ketchup. While walking down the street, Jerry and George meet Elaine and her friend, Wendy (Wendie Malick), who is a physical therapist. Jerry regrets once kissing Wendy on the cheek because now he has to kiss hello every time. George asks Wendy for treatment for a sore arm.

At Monk’s, Elaine scolds George for asking Wendy questions about her work outside her office. They discuss Wendy’s old, 1960s-style hairdo and think only the blunt Kramer would comment on it in front of her. Kramer wants to put each tenant’s picture up in the building’s lobby so everybody will get to know each other better. Jerry has decided he will no longer kiss hello.

When Jerry goes to Nana’s place, Uncle Leo is also there. Nana mentions something about Leo owing $50 to Jerry’s mother, Helen. Back at his apartment, Jerry finds Kramer rummaging for a picture of him. Jerry calls his mother to ask her about the 50 dollars. Elaine wants Kramer to come back in a while to meet Wendy. Jerry’s father, Morty, is shown doing calculations about the interest Helen would take from the $50 after 50 years. Wendy enters the apartment and Jerry avoids kissing her by pretending to search for something in the back of the refrigerator while saying hello. When Kramer enters again, he snaps a Polaroid picture of Jerry. Unlike most people, Kramer finds Wendy’s haircut to be perfect for her, and tells her so.

Because he compliments her hair, Wendy tells Elaine that she is interested in dating Kramer. George had to cancel his previous appointment with Wendy, but because he didn’t give 24 hours’ notice, he gets charged for the missed appointment anyway.

Since Kramer has placed all of the tenants’ photos on the wall in the building lobby, everyone has become extremely friendly. Unfortunately for Jerry, he is kissed hello by a neighbor. His mother, Helen, calls, saying Uncle Leo put Nana in a nursing home; Jerry thinks uncle Leo is trying to “silence” Nana from talking about the $50.

Jerry is annoyed because now every female tenant kisses him hello. Jerry argues with Kramer about it and, as George arrives, Kramer kisses Jerry.

Wendy cancels her appointments to go skiing with Elaine. George demands getting paid for his time because he wasn’t told with 24 hours of anticipation. Jerry informs the other tenants that he will no longer be kissing hello. Later he visits Nana and talks to her old neighbor, Buddy, who corroborates that Uncle Leo didn’t pay to Helen. Elaine injures her shoulder carrying her equipment because Wendy wouldn’t drive her three blocks to her apartment.

When Elaine can’t get any complimentary treatment by Wendy she tells her about her hairdo. When Jerry gets back to his apartment, his picture is defaced, and nobody wants to talk to him.

In the last shot, Kramer is having some tenants over in his apartment. When Jerry stops by, Kramer tells him that he has broken up with Wendy because she changed her hairstyle. He won’t allow Jerry in so as not to upset the visiting tenants, who are no longer friendly towards him.

The Beard

Elaine has tickets for Swan Lake. She is going as a beard for a gay man (Robert Mailhouse) whose boss, he believes, is homophobic. George is still wearing his toupee and only Kramer thinks he looks handsome. Kramer tries to set up a date for George, but as he doesn’t have a picture of her they go to the police station where an acquaintance, who works as a sketch artist, can draw them a picture.

On their way to the station, Kramer gives Chinese food leftovers to a homeless man (Jon Gries). At the police station, George likes the picture and Jerry has his eye on a female Sergeant, Sgt. Cathy Tierny (Katherine LaNasa). On their way back Kramer argues with the homeless man and cannot retrieve his Tupperware container. At the ballet Elaine is acting as Robert’s girlfriend.

Back at Monk’s Cafe Elaine talks with Jerry how nice Robert is, and the possibility to make him “change teams” (i.e., “convert” to heterosexuality). Jerry says conversion is not possible since they are only comfortable with their own “equipment.”

At Jerry’s apartment Kramer needs a Tupperware to save his meal. George arrives very confident after talking on the phone with Denise, Kramer’s friend. Jerry mocks George’s “hair hat” telling him Denise will find out.

Kramer decides to eat lunch at the police station with his friend Lou, the sketch artist, and Jerry tags along to meet with Sgt. Tierny. At the station, Kramer stands in a police lineup for quick $50. George meets Denise at Monk’s, although she is wearing a hat. While looking at the lie detector Jerry’s girlfriend wants him to take the test to see whether or not he watches Melrose Place.

Later, Elaine mocks Jerry for not telling her that he watched Melrose Place. Jerry wants George to tell him how to beat the polygraph.

Elaine is going on another “date” with Robert and she is ready to perform the conversion. George arrives disgusted saying that Denise is bald. After arguing that George is bald too (“I WAS bald!”), Elaine throws his wig out the window, and the homeless guy picks it up.

After the date, Elaine invites Robert to her apartment. Wig-less George talks with Jerry he is again himself, and will continue seeing the bald woman. Later, Elaine triumphantly announces to Jerry that Robert has defected his team and that the conversion went perfectly (“Sex and shopping”). Afterwards, Kramer is still doing police lineups. Jerry takes the lie detector test, but quickly cracks under the pressure of clever questions regarding controversial plot developments in Melrose Place, which provoke him to vent his strongly held opinions on those controversies, thereby exposing his familiarity with the series.

At Jerry’s apartment Elaine comments how Robert went back to his team because they always have access to their “equipment”.

In the last scene Kramer is still doing lineups but then he gets in trouble when he is recognized by a witness of a robbery: the homeless man.

The Highlight of 100

Part 1

403/404 “The Pitch/The Ticket” – Jerry and George discussing the merits of a “show about nothing”
311 “The Red Dot” – Kramer noticing the dot on Elaine’s sweater
306 “The Parking Garage” – The gang trying to remember where their car is parked
411 “The Contest” – Kramer declaring “I’m out”
314 “The Pez Dispenser” – Elaine laughing at the Pez dispenser during the piano recital
206 “The Chinese Restaurant” – Jerry, Elaine, and George placing their reservation
422 “The Smelly Car” – Jerry and Elaine discovering the lingering odor in Jerry’s car
311 “The Red Dot” – Mr. Lippman firing George from Pendant Publishing
209 “The Stranded” – Elaine: “Maybe the dingo ate your baby.”
518 “The Fire” – Kramer telling the harrowing tale of his mission to rescue his girlfriend’s severed toe
405 “The Wallet” – Morty Seinfeld yelling about his stolen wallet
517 “The Wife” – Uncle Leo meeting Jerry at the dry cleaners
519/520 “The Raincoats” – Morty and Helen confronting Jerry about making out during Schindler’s List
504 “The Sniffing Accountant” – Frank Costanza teaching George about bra sizes
411 “The Contest” – George visiting Estelle in the hospital
418 “The Old Man” – Newman explaining why the job of a postal worker is so stressful
102 “Male Unbonding” – Elaine and Jerry deciding where to go out
305 “The Pen” – Jerry reluctantly taking Jack Klompus’ astronaut pen
503 “The Puffy Shirt” – Kramer revealing the puffy shirt to Jerry
310 “The Alternate Side” – Jerry explaining the difference between taking and holding a reservation
403/404 “The Pitch/The Ticket” – Jerry and George pitching the “Jerry” pilot to NBC

Relationships

318 “The Limo”
522 “The Hamptons”
302 “The Truth”
516 “The Stand-In”
422 “The Smelly Car”
609 “The Secretary”
611 “The Label Maker”
509 “The Masseuse”
317 “The Fix-Up” – Jerry setting George up with Cynthia/Elaine setting Cynthia up with George
303 “The Dog”/203 “The Busboy” – Kramer breaking up with his girlfriend/Elaine hurriedly packing for the guy she hates (these two segments are interweaved)
506 “The Lip Reader” – George claiming creation of “It’s not you, it’s me”
315/316 “The Boyfriend” – Elaine on a date with Keith Hernandez
201 “The Ex-Girlfriend” – Marlene breaking up with Jerry
421 “The Junior Mint” – Jerry trying to guess “Mulva’s” name
408 “The Cheever Letters” – Sandra leaving Jerry’s apartment after the panty remark
419 “The Implant” – Sidra leaving Jerry’s apartment (“By the way, they’re real…and they’re spectacular.”)
213 “The Deal” – Jerry and Elaine laying down “the rules”/Jerry giving George the details

Ambition

315/316 “The Boyfriend” – George telling Jerry to answer the phone as “Vandelay Industries”
102 “Male Unbonding” – Kramer’s idea for a pizza place where you make your own pie
513 “The Marine Biologist” – Elaine sharing the fake anecdote about Tolstoy’s War and Peace
103 “The Stake Out” – George: “I’m an architect.”
601 “The Chaperone” – Elaine’s ill-fated job interview at Doubleday Publishing
513 “The Marine Biologist” – George: “You know that I always wanted to pretend I was an architect!”
612 “The Race” – George faking his life story about architecture
521 “The Opposite” – Kramer on Live With Regis and Kathie Lee promoting his coffee table book
315/316 “The Boyfriend” – Kramer unwittingly ruining George’s “Vandelay Industries” scam

Part 2 Off The Subject

105 “The Stock Tip” – Jerry and George discussing Superman’s sense of humor
504 “The Sniffing Accountant” – Kramer and Newman discussing how days of the week feel
419 “The Implant” – George accused of double-dipping a chip
406 “The Watch” – Kramer’s affinity for decaf cappucinos
315/316 “The Boyfriend” – Jerry and George discussing their favorite explorers
410 “The Virgin” – Elaine’s diaphragm story
315/316 “The Boyfriend” – Kramer and Newman’s JFK-esque Keith Hernandez story
403/404 “The Pitch/The Ticket” – George praising the value of characters in entertainment
418 “The Old Man” – Sid Fields
307 “The Cafe” – Babu Bhatt
501 “The Mango” – Joe the fruit stand manager
605 “The Couch” – Poppie
409 “The Opera” – Crazy Joe Davola
608 “The Soup” – Kenny Bania
516 “The Stand-In” – Mickey
304 “The Library” – Detective Bookman
205 “The Jacket” – Alton Benes
606 “The Gymnast” – Mr. Pitt

Self-Images

208 “The Apartment” – Jerry and George arguing over which one of them is the bigger idiot
420 “The Handicap Spot” – Kramer asking Jerry and George if he is a “hipster doofus”
422 “The Smelly Car” – Elaine wondering if she’s not as attractive as she thinks
416 “The Outing” – Jerry and George insisting that they aren’t gay (“Not that there’s anything wrong with that”)
501 “The Mango” – Elaine admitting that she faked her orgasms with Jerry
414 “The Visa” – George: “I’m disturbed, I’m depressed, I’m inadequate – I got it all!”
521 “The Opposite” – Elaine worries that she’s becoming George
521 “The Opposite” – George enacting his new policy of doing the opposite of what his instincts tell him

Catch Phrases

310 “The Alternate Side” – “These pretzels are makin’ me thirsty!”
420 “The Handicap Spot” – “Boy, I’m really startin’ to dislike the Drake!”
319 “The Good Samaritan” – “You are so good-lookin’.”
503 “The Puffy Shirt” – “She’s one of those low talkers.”
603 “The Pledge Drive” – “You know, because he’s a high talker.”
519/520 “The Raincoats” – “He’s nice, bit of a close talker.”
512 “The Stall” – “I don’t have a square to spare.”
314 “The Pez Dispenser” – “I need hand! I have no hand!”
519/520 “The Raincoats” – “Newman!”
507 “The Barber” – “Newman!”
602 “The Big Salad” – “Newman!”
611 “The Label Maker” – “Hello, Newman.”
411 “The Contest” – “Master of my domain”/”King of the county”/”Lord of the manor”/”Queen of the castle”
522 “The Hamptons” – “You mean shrinkage?”
417 “The Shoes” – Russel Dalrymple with an upset stomach discussing the “Jerry” script with Jerry and George
313 “The Subway” – Kramer stumbling to get a seat on the subway
504 “The Sniffing Accountant” – Kramer smoking and drinking at the same time
409 “The Opera” – Kramer singing opera
515 “The Pie” – Olive scratching Kramer’s itch
405 “The Wallet” – Kramer screaming with his hair on fire
502 “The Glasses” – Kramer diving after Jerry’s plummeting air conditioner
513 “The Marine Biologist” – Kramer playing golf at the beach
411 “The Contest” – The instigation of the contest

Sensitivity

518 “The Fire” – George fleeing like a coward from the fire
407 “The Bubble Boy” – Jerry’s apathetic reaction to the plight of the bubble boy
309 “The Nose Job” – Kramer: “You’re as pretty as any of them; you just need a nose job.”
310 “The Alternate Side” – Elaine feeding her 60-year-old stroke-stricken boyfriend
202 “The Pony Remark” – Jerry’s pony remark
407 “The Bubble Boy” – George asking Susan for recompense for the tolls as the cabin burns down
521 “The Opposite” – Jake Jarmel learning that Elaine stopped off for Jujyfruits
202 “The Pony Remark” – Jerry: “Who figures an immigrant’s gonna have a pony?”
421 “The Junior Mint” – Kramer dropping the Junior Mint into the operating area
421 “The Junior Mint” – “It’s a Junior Mint!”
312 “The Suicide” – “Drake’s Coffee Cake?”
410 “The Virgin” – “Snapple?” “No thanks.”
314 “The Pez Dispenser” – “Pez?”
521 “The Opposite” – “Box of Jujyfruits?”
514 “The Dinner Party” – “Clark Bar.”
407 “The Bubble Boy” – “I love Yoo Hoo.”
602 “The Big Salad” – “Ooh, Chunkies.”
514 “The Dinner Party” – “Chocolate bobka.”
514 “The Dinner Party” – “It’s Gore-Tex.”
517 “The Wife” – “Cashmere?” “No, Gore-Tex.”
421 “The Junior Mint” – “Who’s gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It’s chocolate, it’s peppermint – it’s delicious!”
513 “The Marine Biologist” – George recounts the incredible story of how he rescued the beached whale
403/404 “The Pitch/The Ticket” – Jerry finally subscribes to the idea of a “show about nothing”
306 “The Parking Garage” – Kramer’s car refusing to start
206 “The Chinese Restaurant” – “Seinfeld, four!”

The Scofflaw

George walks down the street and meets an old friend, Gary Fogel (Jon Lovitz), who apparently spent the last few months undergoing chemotherapy. Kramer calls a litterbug who threw garbage out of his car “a pig”, but happens to do so right behind a cop. The cop turns and confronts Kramer, believing that Kramer called the cop a pig, which distracts him from giving a parking ticket to a car, which then flees.

George wants to talk privately with Jerry. Jerry tells George he knew about Gary’s cancer but swore not to tell because George cannot keep secrets; George has no “Poker face”. Elaine had a bad break up with writer Jake Jarmel; Kramer has seen him on TV and wants a pair of glasses just like his.

Later, Kramer talks with the police officer. The cop says that he has spent years tracking a scofflaw who racks up many parking tickets. The cop, who has an eyepatch, considers the scofflaw his “white whale”. Kramer considers getting an eyepatch. Gary discusses with George about not telling him about his illness. To soothe things Gary offers George a parking spot and then tells him another secret: he really never had cancer.

Jake Jarmel refused to tell Kramer about his glasses; he wants his to be unique. But Kramer made a mistake, he said “Elaine says hi”, which Elaine thinks takes down her advantage in the “post-break up relationship”.

George arrives at Jerry’s place and is immediately confronted about his “poker face”. George doesn’t resist and tells the truth about Gary to Jerry. Jerry is upset because he even bought Gary a certificate for baldness treatment because of the chemotherapy. Now Jerry must pretend he doesn’t know so George can get his parking spot.

When Jerry meets Gary at Monk’s Cafe, Gary has gotten a wig. He is so confident that he goes to talk to a quiet woman who just sits in her table to read. Kramer arrives wearing an eyepatch (“I wanna be a pirate.”), but has problems seeing.

George is driving his John Voight’s car (“The Mom & Pop Store”) with Debbie, a mutual friend of his and Gary’s. Debbie fell in love with Gary because of his supposed battle against cancer. Elaine plots revenge on her ex-boyfriend by buying an identical pair of glasses from a man walking down the street who bought them in Malaysia. George crashes his car while trying to avoid hitting the man who sold his glasses to Elaine. The police officer loses his white whale once again, and Kramer realizes Newman is the scofflaw.

Elaine taunts Jake Jarmel with the glasses. Cosmo Kramer tries to convince Newman to turn himself to authorities. Jerry and George discuss the wig. Elaine gives her new glasses to Mr. Lippman. A judge rules that Newman’s car should be kept in a garage.

Accompanied by Jerry, George goes to try some toupees. Gary arrives, needing a retouch in his “rug”; he says he can’t give the parking spot to George because some judge needs it for a scofflaw’s car. Jerry stops pretending and confronts Gary.

Next shot, George, wearing a toupee, arrives extremely confident to Monk’s and gets the attention of a beautiful woman. At a book presentation Jake Jarmel confronts Mr. Lippman because of his glasses, which Elaine gave him.

The Label Maker

Jerry has two tickets to the Super Bowl (on Sunday) but he cannot attend due to “the Drakes'” wedding (“The Handicap Spot”). Jerry gives the tickets to Dr. Tim Whatley (“The Mom & Pop Store”). George has a new girlfriend, Bonnie, and he is eager to go to her apartment. Elaine and Jerry suspect that Whatley is a “re-gifter” after Jerry receives the same label maker that Elaine gave Tim for Christmas. Kramer and Newman play an extended game of Risk. They leave the board in neutral country (“like Switzerland”) at Jerry’s apartment.

George likes Bonnie’s apartment, including a velvet couch. However, George immediately becomes upset because Bonnie has a male roommate named Scott who looks just like him. Kramer informs that the Drakes’ wedding has been postponed because of the Super Bowl. George suggests Jerry to “de-gift” Tim Whatley the tickets. Newman stops by Jerry’s apartment and tells him he will go to the Super Bowl with one of Whatley’s tickets.

George inquires Bonnie regarding her behavior with Scott. Elaine dates Whatley in order to find out whether or not he really re-gifted her label maker; she wants to get in his apartment. Tim Whatley takes away Newman’s ticket and gives it to Elaine. Jerry and George suspect that, due to Elaine’s behavior, Whatley invited her purely with the intent of seducing her.

George tries to wheedle Bonnie into getting Scott to move out, and is surprised when he succeeds, realizing with dismay that he is now the most responsible man in her life. Newman and Cosmo Kramer continue their game in Jerry’s apartment. Kramer’s car is being taken away; he rushes outside holding the game board. Upon learning that Elaine does not intend to have sex with him on the Super Bowl trip, Whatley breaks up with Elaine and gives her ticket back to Jerry. Using Jerry’s label maker to help Bonnie box up Scott’s things, George discovers that all the things he liked about Bonnie’s apartment, including the velvet couch and the television, belonged to Scott.

Taking their game to the subway, Kramer is confident in his victory over Newman, taunting him for having possession over the “weak” nation of Ukraine. A nearby Ukrainian passenger gets offended and smashes their board.

Elaine uncovers Whatley’s secret: he regifted the label maker because it was defective—the label adhesive wasn’t strong enough. However, Elaine and Whatley find each other irresistible. The labels on Scott’s boxes peel off on the mail truck.

At the Super Bowl, Jerry finds himself sitting next to Newman instead of Whatley. Newman mentions that some boxes without labels were rendered undeliverable and claimed by them (“Freebies”). Desperate to escape his relationship with Bonnie, George brings up the offensive thought of a ménage à trois (“The Switch”), but at the same time, Scott arrives, who is willing to participate in such an arrangement.

The Switch

After playing tennis Elaine is recognized by Mrs. Landis (Gail Strickland), a former potential employer from Doubleday. Elaine lends Mr. Pitt’s tennis racket, a Bruline, to her in hopes of getting a new job. Meanwhile, Jerry is dating Sandy, a “non-laugher”. George is dating Nina (Charlotte Lewis), a model who eats a lot and who Kramer thinks may be bulimic.

George has dinner with Nina; she feasts on the food and then goes to the bathroom to “freshen” herself. Jerry has dinner with Sandy; he keeps making funny remarks but she doesn’t laugh, she just says “that’s funny”. Back at the apartment, Jerry mentions how the jokes just bounce off his girlfriend. George is now certain his girlfriend is bulimic because he heard a “blah” in the bathroom, and wants a matron to spy on Nina to verify if she intentionally throws up. We then meet Kramer’s mother, Babs (Sheree North), who happens to be a matron, but Kramer doesn’t want anything to do with her.

Mrs. Landis, who was injured playing tennis, is devastated and states she has no reason to live if she can’t play tennis, and Elaine doesn’t have the heart to ask for the racket back. George and Kramer both enter the restaurant Kramer’s mother works in, and Babs Kramer reveals her son’s first name: Cosmo. Back at the apartment, Elaine says Mr. Pitt needs his racket in a match against Ethel Kennedy. George comes with the news of Kramer’s name, much to everyone’s delight. Cosmo Kramer accepts his name and says he was running from his true self.

When Jerry goes to his girlfriend’s apartment he meets Laura, Sandy’s roommate, who does laugh at his jokes. Later, he talks with George, saying he intends to try the “switch”. George declares it is impossible: no one in Western history has ever switched a girlfriend for her roommate. Jerry and George spend long hours devising a plan to accomplish the switch. Finally, George comes up with the plot: Jerry will suggest a ménage à trois, Sandy will be disgusted, break up with Jerry, and tell Laura, who in turn will feel flattered, thus preparing the way for Jerry to date Laura.

While Mrs. Landis is out for lunch Elaine sneaks into her office to retrieve the racket. However, she is caught by Mrs. Landis’ assistant.

Kramer now uses his first name regularly. He tells his mother to quit her job as a matron. George’s plan with Nina goes wrong because of this, so he himself goes into the women’s bathroom to spy on his girlfriend. He hears the noise of someone being sick and shouts “Aha!” but it turns out to be another woman he hears and his date walks out on him.

As it turned out, Jerry’s girlfriend, Sandy, and her roommate, Laura, both accepted the Ménage à trois. George is ecstatic about it but Jerry doesn’t accept because he doesn’t want to become an “orgy guy”. Meanwhile, Newman, who is a good tennis player, is out of town so Kramer may use his keys to retrieve a Bruline tennis racket just like Mr. Pitt’s. When they open the door they see Babs in a compromising position with Newman. After she exclaims her son’s name in surprise, Newman, looking as surprised as ever, replies, “Cosmo?”

The Race

Jerry is excited to finally be dating a woman named Lois (Renee Props). However, Jerry is stunned when he finds out that Lois works for Duncan Meyer, his old rival from high school. Elaine’s complaints about her Chinese food delivery cause her to be blacklisted from Hop Sing’s. George notes to Elaine that Ned, her new boyfriend, has a copy of the Daily Worker, which prompts suspicion of Ned being a communist. George is intrigued by one of the personal ads, which remark “appearance is not important”. Jerry recounts his rivalry with Duncan – in a track race in ninth grade, Jerry had gotten an inadvertent head start and won. Though he was praised for his seemingly amazing speed, only Duncan suspected something was amiss.

Lois quizzes Jerry about cheating in the race; Jerry defends his win, and Lois believes him. Ned admits to Elaine he is a Communist. George announces he contacted a girl from The Daily Worker. Kramer gets ready for his new job as Santa Claus at Coleman’s department store, with Mickey as his elf. Lois arranges lunch at Monk’s with her, Jerry, and Duncan, and Jerry knows that the subject of the race will come up. George agrees to turn up at the coffee shop, pretend he has not seen Jerry since high school, and back up his winning story.

At Yankee Stadium, George receives a call from Natalie, his personal ad girl from The Daily Worker. George’s secretary, Ada, overhears the conversation and suspects George of having Communist sympathies. At Coleman’s, Ned gets Kramer interested in Communist practices. At Monk’s, while Duncan is protesting the race, George turns up, pretending he has not seen Jerry in years, and backs Jerry’s story (while also lying about the accomplishments of his own life). Duncan still doesn’t believe it, and Lois suggests that the two of them just race each other again, but Jerry refuses (“I choose not to run”). Nonetheless, Duncan starts to call up everyone from high school to come out for the race, and Jerry gets worried the legend will die.

Kramer is taken by Ned’s Communist literature, but Mickey thinks it’s a bad idea. Elaine is reluctant to order dinner from Hop Sing’s after her fight with the delivery man, but Ned insists, as his father spent much of his time at the restaurant after being blacklisted. At Coleman’s, Kramer (as Santa) is accused by a kid of spreading Communist propaganda; Kramer and Mickey are subsequently fired. Elaine places her Chinese food order under Ned’s name, but the delivery man uncovers her ruse and blacklists Ned from the restaurant too. Jerry refuses to participate in the race, until he learns that Duncan will fire Lois unless he agrees to run. The rumors of George’s Communist leanings land him in Steinbrenner’s office, where Steinbrenner has him go to Cuba and try to recruit some of their best baseball players.

On the street, Jerry and Duncan are lined up to race again. Duncan smugly asides to Lois that if he loses, he’ll give her a two-week Hawaiian vacation. As the race is about to begin, Kramer’s car backfires, and Jerry mistakes it for the starting pistol, giving him another head start. To the strains of the Superman theme, Jerry wins the race. In Cuba, George meets with Fidel Castro, who agrees to give players to the Yankees (after hearing about George “being a Communist”).