Seinfeld Reference – Page 9 – A website about nothing

The Secretary

Jerry is taking his mother’s fur coat and his jacket to dry cleaning. George is going to hire a secretary; he says he’ll pass over attractive women so he can concentrate on his work. He hires Ada, a very efficient secretary.

Kramer is in need of moisturizer with ultraviolet light absorber. Elaine bought a dress on sale at Barney’s because it looked great on their mirrors, but now it looks awful. She thinks they are using “skinny mirrors” which make people look thinner. She wants to return the dress.

Jerry, Elaine and Kramer go to the movies. Kramer meets Uma Thurman and writes her phone number on Jerry’s dry cleaning ticket. Jerry thinks he saw Willie, the dry cleaner, wearing his jacket at the movies. George and his secretary, Ada, feel attracted to each other and have sex at work. During sex , George accidentally screams: “I’m giving you a raise!” When George talks to Jerry about this problem, Jerry suggests George has sex with her again and ‘take it back.’

At Barney’s, Elaine and Kramer return the dress. Kramer has bought the moisturizer he wanted, and Elaine tries on another dress. At the store Kenny Bania is looking for a new suit (“The Soup”), and he purchases Kramer’s garments for $300. George goes to talk to George Steinbrenner to give Ada the raise he promised. Jerry confronts the dry cleaner about wearing his clothes. Jerry demands his mother’s fur coat and the dry cleaner pauses looking to the side implying that it is not there. The dry cleaner asks for the ticket but Kramer has it so Jerry cannot pick up the coat.

Kramer is left in underwear in the women’s dressing room. He tells Elaine to ask Jerry for clothes. Elaine goes outside the store looking for an unbiased mirror. Jerry asks Kramer for the ticket; however, it was left in Kramer’s trousers which are now in Bania’s possession. Kenny Bania wants his money back because the suit he bought from Kramer is stained by the moisturizer. Jerry only cares about the ticket, so he agrees to pay Bania two meals in exchange. However, both the dry cleaning number and Uma Thurman’s phone are washed out. Then, Jerry spots Donna, the dry cleaner’s wife, wearing his mother’s fur coat.

As it turned out Steinbrenner gave Ada a $25,000 raise, which makes Ada’s earnings greater than George’s. Elaine is forced to buy the dress because she wore it outside the store. Kramer wears Jerry’s mother’s fur coat.

Again having dinner at Mendy’s with Jerry, Bania orders a soup. Bania wrote the telephone number from the ticket before it was washed out; he got a date with this “Uma”, and he hopes she is good looking.

The Mom & Pop Store

George is set to buy a 1989 Volvo 240 Sedan, but instead the car salesman talks him into buying a 1989 LeBaron convertible, said to be previously owned by Jon Voight, as George liked the idea of driving a car he thought was formerly owned by Jon Voight. Elaine wants to date Jerry’s dentist, Tim Whatley. Kramer tells that a “Mom and Pop” shoe repair store is about to close, and convinces Jerry to lend him his sneakers to take them to the store, commenting that he has a Peter Pan complex on account of his persistence on wearing sneakers as casual footwear. While there Kramer’s nose starts to bleed, leading him to notice the wires hanging out of the ceiling and suggest calling an electrician.

At Mr. Pitt’s office Elaine is taking the salt off his pretzels while listening the radio. Mr. Pitt wants Elaine to guess an oldie song so he can win a ticket to hold the Woody Woodpecker balloon in the Thanksgiving Parade. The songs mentioned by Elaine, such as “Honeysuckle Jump by Artie Shaw,” and “Next Stop Pottersville,” are fictional and the titles and music were made up for the episode.

Kramer took all of Jerry’s sneakers and left him only a pair of cowboy boots. Elaine, George, and Kramer all get invitations to Whatley’s Thanksgiving party but Jerry is uncertain whether he was invited or not.

While riding in formerly “Jon Voight’s” car, Jerry notices a chewed pencil and the owner’s booklet. The previous owner was actually John Voight, not Jon Voight. Jerry makes fun of George and gets kicked out the car; he then tries to run from some guys but slips because of the boots, causing him to hurt his teeth. Jerry decides to crash the party where many dentists may be present.

Apparently Mom and Pop couldn’t afford to repair the ceiling so they closed the store, taking all of Jerry’s sneakers. Elaine goes to pick up the ticket for Mr. Pitt but must withstand loud oldies before receiving it. While walking down the street Kramer sees Jon Voight and tries to ask him about George’s car, but gets bitten by him instead.

At the party Elaine can’t hear a thing because of the loud music she listened to before, and inadvertently turns down a date from Whatley because she thought that he was just offering her nuts. Meanwhile, George and Kramer seek a dentist to match the bite marks on Kramer’s arm with those on the chewed pencil. As it turns out, the previous owner of the car was not Jon Voight, the actor, but Dr. John Voight, a periodontist friend of Dr. Whatley. While trying to show his teeth to a dentist, Jerry accidentally pushes a small statue of the Empire State Building out the window and pierces the Woody Woodpecker balloon with Mr. Pitt under it.

Later, Jerry receives a call that Mom and Pop are selling his sneakers in a garage sale in Parsippany, New Jersey. Jerry and Kramer decide to head out there and confront Mom and Pop, but as Jerry’s car is in the shop they take the bus instead. On their way to New Jersey, Kramer’s nose starts bleeding again, in a scene parodying Midnight Cowboy (the film is also referenced earlier when George tries to hum Harry Nilsson’s “Everybody’s Talkin'”:

Everybody’s talkin’ at me

Can’t hear a word they’re sayin’

[George improvises] Just drivin’ around in Jon Voight’s car…

The Soup

George is flirting with Kelly (Tracy Kolis), a waitress from Monk’s Cafe. Elaine just returned from a trip to England with Mr. Pitt; she met a man who is flying over with Elaine’s frequent flier miles. Kenny Bania, an obnoxious comedian, offers Jerry a brand new Armani suit for free.

After his kidney stone (“The Gymnast”), Kramer decides to dump his refrigerator to eat only fresh foods. Bania delivers the suit but he insists Jerry should buy him a meal in exchange.

Simon, the Englishman, has arrived but he is being arrogant with Elaine while in a taxicab. Kelly, the waitress, and George go for a walk. George mentions how he likes the word “manure”, and immediately after, Kelly makes a casual remark revealing that she has a boyfriend. Later, at Jerry’s apartment, he and George speculate on the theory that she made that up to avoid George and whether or not the manure comment that George made had anything to do with it.

Kramer goes to Jerry’s apartment for food, not for himself, but for his hungry girlfriend Hildy who is a waitress at Reggie’s. At Mendy’s restaurant Jerry is ready to eat dinner with Bania, but Bania only orders a soup, which, he says, cannot count as the “meal”.

Simon is acting rude with Elaine and he doesn’t seem to have plans to return to England. He turns out to be a real “bounder”. George is feeling uncomfortable in Monk’s with Kelly around, because the playful banter that he enjoyed with her before he asked her out has been replaced on her part with a cold formality that borders on rudeness. Kenny Bania joins George and Jerry at the coffee shop; this time he orders a soup and sandwich, Jerry believes his obligation is fulfilled, but Bania disagrees as they didn’t eat in a fancy restaurant like Mendy’s. With information provided by his girlfriend Hildy, Kramer informs George that Kelly doesn’t have a boyfriend so she did invent the story earlier.

In order to get rid of Bania, Jerry offers the Armani suit to Simon, who willingly accepts it. George is still uncomfortable at Monk’s and he badgers Jerry and Elaine to go to Reggie’s, where Hildy works. However when Hildy takes their order, they are informed that Reggie’s doesn’t offer the meals they have grown accustomed to at Monk’s; i.e. Jerry’s egg white omelette and Elaine’s Big Salad. When they try to place them as special orders, Hildy gives them a hassle, leaving them frustrated, unsatisfied, and consequently, angry at George.

At his apartment, Jerry is out of food for Kramer’s hungry girlfriend, Kramer is terrified. Hildy is in a bad mood because she got fired after Kramer made too many calls to her workplace, so George decides to try the same trick with Kelly.

Back at Monk’s, Kelly informs she isn’t going to work there anymore. Kelly’s boss, fed up with calls, says he will treat George as his “hand puppet”. Bania attempts to reclaim the suit from Jerry. Simon, who has just flirted with a woman in front of Elaine, has a job interview thanks to the suit Jerry gave him, and he decides he might stay longer in the country. Elaine tells Bania where his suit is, and a heated Bania rushes outside the restaurant to confront the unsuspecting Simon. Jerry and Elaine, enjoying their egg-white omelette and Big Salad, salute each other in triumph.

The last shot of the episode is George eating by himself at Reggie’s.

The Gymnast

Jerry dates Katya, a Romanian former gymnast that Jerry says won a silver medal at the 1984 Olympics, (although if this were confirmed, she would also have won a gold medal as Romanian women took the team title in Los Angeles). Kramer encourages him to have sex with her, since she is probably very “flexible.” Jerry can only think of a conversation involving deposed dictator Nicolae Ceau?escu. George is given another shot with Lindsay, whom he met while trying to join a book club to read Breakfast at Tiffany’s (“The Couch”). Jerry and Kramer find out about one of George’s odd bathroom habits: whenever he goes into the “office” he takes off his shirt so as to feel “no encumbrances.” Jerry talks about how George is better with the mothers of his girlfriends rather than with the girlfriends themselves.

Kramer goes to Mr. Pitt’s office to retrieve a 3-D painting that Elaine took to frame. Kramer leaves early as he feels intense pain which turns out is a kidney stone. Mr. Pitt becomes obsessed with finding the “spaceship” image in the 3-D painting. In place of Mr. Pitt, Elaine goes to a merger meeting between Morgan Springs and Poland Creek, but starts a dispute because of the suggested name “Moland” Springs. At Lindsay’s mother’s house George impresses Mrs. Enright with his gentlemanly demeanor, until he is caught by her eating a partially eaten chocolate éclair out of the trash can.

George assures Jerry that the cake was clean and “on top”, but Jerry says George has crossed the border between man and bum. George explains over the phone and gets another chance with Lindsay. Kramer brings Jerry a videotape of the 1984 Olympics and Jerry decides to go for it with Katya. Later, Jerry comments with Elaine of his disappointment with the sexual tryst (there was nothing gymnastic about it) and she tells him he is now committed to dating Katya for at least three more weeks.

At the street George buys a cup of coffee but he does not like it and throws it away, accidentally splashing a nearby automobile. George is spotted washing the windshield by Lindsay’s mother, who is now convinced that he is a bum. George has to apologize once more and gets another opportunity with Lindsay.

Since it was Kramer’s idea, Jerry wants him to come along with himself and Katya to the circus, to watch the performance of Katya’s friend Misha. However, Kramer is afraid of clowns. At the circus’ restroom, Kramer finally passes the kidney stone, but he screams so loudly that he makes Misha fall from the high wire. Katya tells Jerry about a Romanian legend of “the comedian” – a man with great libido – and breaks up with him because he was not the otherworldly “sensual experience” she expected. At Lindsay’s mother’s place there is a small party, and they have placed a 3-D painting in the bathroom which is “mesmerizing.” George goes into the bathroom but then leaves without putting his shirt back on, which shocks all the other party guests.

Mr. Pitt has lost three days trying to see the image in the 3-D painting. He now sees it right before going to an important meeting discussing the merger. Elaine, who has her hands covered in ink, breaks the picture and snaps her boss from the trance. However, she spills ink on him and he goes to the meeting with a painted mustache, making him look like Adolf Hitler. Aside from the visual humor, the scene alludes to Hitler’s invasion of Poland in 1939 through the juxtaposition of the imagery and the bottled water brand name.

The Couch

Kramer plans to start a “pizza business where you make your own pie” with Poppie (Reni Santoni). Jerry and Elaine’s discussion of the abortion issue causes trouble at Poppie’s restaurant when it turns out Poppie is pro-life. George joins a book club to impress his girlfriend and is assigned to read Breakfast at Tiffany’s, but tries to rent the movie instead, saying “If it’s not about sports, I find it very hard to concentrate!” Elaine dates the hunky man (David James Elliott) who delivered Jerry’s couch. George ends up watching the movie at an apartment with a man named Joe and his daughter Remy (who later make a brief appearance in the episode “The Diplomat’s Club”). Meanwhile, Poppie pees on Jerry’s new couch, and Jerry is forced to get rid of it. He takes his old couch back from Elaine, who took it when Jerry got his new couch. George accidentally spills grape juice all over the family’s couch and is kicked out of their apartment before he can see the ending of the movie. Later, Elaine falls in love with the moving man. Jerry casually asks her what his stand is on abortion. She asks him and breaks down in tears after finding out that he, too, is pro-life. She is forced to break up with him, since she is pro-choice. Kramer’s pizza business with Poppie ends because Poppie objects to Kramer putting cucumbers on his pizza. Poppie and Kramer get into an argument that alludes to the theme of abortion in the rest of the episode, where they disagree over whether a pizza becomes a pizza when it comes out of the oven, or when you first start to make it. Elaine offers her ex-boyfriend something to drink while he is in her house getting the couch back to Jerry’s. She throws grape juice over to him, but the bottle breaks and spills all over the couch. During the last scene, the book club is meeting and George, not having read the book or seen the end of the movie, says that Holly Golightly got together with George Peppard. Realizing his mistake, he quickly changes to calling him Fred, but George’s girlfriend just looks at him and says, “George… Fred’s gay.”

The Chinese Woman

Jerry and Elaine see George’s father, Frank Costanza, with a man in a cape (Larry David), but don’t say hello. Jerry talks to a woman, Donna Chang (played by Angela Dohrmann), on George’s phone line after the wires get crossed and he gets a date with her, thinking she’s Chinese because of her surname. Kramer goes to a fertility clinic. Elaine ruins her friend Noreen’s latest romance with a “long talker.” George’s life is made miserable when the man in the cape is revealed to be Frank’s lawyer and his parents are separating. Kramer discovers he has a low sperm count and must stop wearing jockey shorts. Boxer shorts make him feel uncomfortable, so he decides to go commando. Later, Jerry meets Donna, who is not Chinese, but actually shortened her last name Changstein to Chang while taking on Chinese stereotypes, such as displaying interest in acupuncture or slipping an occasional Engrish into a conversation.

Donna talks over the phone to George’s mother, Estelle, convincing her not to divorce (by citing Confucius). When George introduces Donna to his parents, Estelle realizes she is not Chinese and doesn’t acknowledge her advice, deciding to proceed with the divorce.

At the end of the episode, Noreen is standing on the edge of the Queensboro Bridge considering jumping off when Frank Costanza’s caped lawyer appears. She asks “Who are you?” to which he responds “I’m Frank Costanza’s lawyer”. He then leads her slowly and safely off the bridge.

The Pledge Drive

Elaine’s boss Mr. Pitt eats a Snickers bar with a knife and fork, starting a trend that seems to sweep the city. Jerry and Elaine deal with a couple (Dan and Noreen) who sound similar on the phone. Jerry cashes checks long since written by his grandmother, causing her account to become overdrawn. When Jerry’s grandmother tries to call him about the checks, Elaine answers the phone and assuming it’s Dan (a “high-talker”) tells off Jerry’s grandmother telling her to drop dead. Jerry works on a public television fundraiser and convinces George to bring Yankee Danny Tartabull to the taping. When Dan attempts to confront Jerry about the allegations, Jerry again mistakes Dan’s voice for Noreen’s, leading Kramer to think that Dan has a thing for Jerry. George meanwhile delays Tartabull to chase down a driver who supposedly gave him the middle finger.

The Big Salad

Elaine must find a special mechanical pencil, the Rolamech 1000, for Mr. Pitt (Ian Abercrombie) and soon finds herself dealing with the romantic advances of the stationery store clerk (Jerry Levine). The clerk asks for her telephone number to call her when he receives the pencil but Elaine gives him Jerry’s number instead. At Elaine’s request, George purchases a “big salad” for her from Monk’s. But his girlfriend Julie (Michelle Forbes) appears to take credit for the purchase when she hands Elaine the salad in Jerry’s apartment. George is displeased over the fact that Elaine thanked Julie for buying the salad, and casually mentions to Elaine that he was responsible for the purchase. George’s revelation eventually leads to a rift between him and Julie when the truth comes out, but she simply justifies her actions by saying, “George, all I did was hand someone a bag.” Semi-humiliated, George vows never to buy Elaine lunch ever again. Jerry learns that his current girlfriend, Margaret (Marita Geraghty), formerly dated Newman, who ended the relationship. Jerry cannot comprehend why Newman dumped someone so clearly “out of his league” in terms of beauty, so he attempts to find any fault in his girlfriend. Kramer plays golf with an ex-Major League Baseball player, who washes his ball on the second shot (not on the green), breaking the rules and causing an altercation with Kramer.The man is later suspected in the murder of a dry cleaner, and Kramer helps the man to see his pet fish by driving in his white Ford Bronco in a low speed chase down the New Jersey Turnpike.

The Chaperone

Jerry meets Karen, Miss Rhode Island (Marguerite MacIntyre), who is competing in the Miss America pageant and consequently must be chaperoned on her date with Jerry; Kramer fills the role and quickly becomes her personal coach. Elaine seeks to follow in the footsteps of Jackie Kennedy Onassis in securing a position with Doubleday, where she unsuccessfully interviews with Ms. Landis (Gail Strickland). Elaine meets Mr. Pitt (Ian Abercrombie) as the interview ends and agrees to become his personal assistant. She soon finds her job as personal assistant to Mr. Pitt to be unfulfilling. George replaces polyester with cotton as the material for the Yankees’ uniforms, with alarming results. Danny Tartabull & Buck Showalter guest star on this episode.

The Opposite

Elaine gets a raise at Pendant Publishing, which is merging with a Japanese conglomerate to avoid bankruptcy, and is publishing Kramer’s coffee table book. She has also reunited with her boyfriend Jake Jarmel. (It is never revealed how they got over their exclamation point issue.) George returns from the beach and decides that every decision that he has ever made has been wrong, and that his life is the exact opposite of what it should be. George tells this to Jerry in Monk’s Cafe, who convinces him that “if every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right”. George then resolves to start doing the complete opposite of what he would do normally. He orders the opposite of his normal lunch, and introduces himself to a beautiful woman (played by Dedee Pfeiffer, who happens to order exactly the same lunch) by saying “My name is George. I’m unemployed and I live with my parents.” To his surprise, she is impressed and agrees to date him.

Jerry loses a stand-up gig and is asked to perform another one on the same night, prompting Kramer to call him “Even Steven”. George continues to do the Opposite on his date with Victoria. He stops shaving, yells at noisy cinema patrons, and refuses to come up to her apartment. Meanwhile, Elaine, upon hearing that her boyfriend Jake Jarmel has been in an accident, buys some Jujyfruits before heading to the hospital. Jake, extremely offended by this, breaks up with her.

The next day, Kramer appears on Regis and Kathie Lee to promote his book and accidentally spits coffee on Kathie Lee’s face. This leads to a cancellation of all future appearances. Thanks to his date, George gets an interview at the New York Yankees, where he also does the opposite of his instincts and is blatantly honest to George Steinbrenner (voiced by Larry David) about his management practices, thus landing him the job as Assistant to the Traveling Secretary. He moves out of his parents’ house, making sure to tell them how much he loves them.

Elaine finds out that she is being kicked out of her apartment building. The list of grievances include “putting Canadian quarters into the machine” and buzzing a jewel thief and Jehovah’s Witnesses past security, after which “[we] couldn’t get them out of the building.” Later, when her boss, Mr. Lippman, sneezes without his handkerchief, he will not shake hands with his Japanese counterpart (and spread germs), and the Japanese executive becomes angry and refuses to close the deal, thus putting an end to Pendant Publishing. By the end of the episode, Elaine claims that she has “become George,” but Jerry can only marvel at how things always even out for him: first, Elaine was up and George was down; now, George is up and Elaine is down.